my boy. or should i say boys?

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we barely know each other but i feel good being around leroy.
we have fun, laugh a lot and the whole making out thing is sort of a game, innocent and pleasant.
it's very good. very light and inspiring?
'we don't even know each other', i said a couple of days ago.
'we've got lots of things in common though', he encouraged me.
'oh, right', i nodded, 'what are they again?'.
'parents connection to canada', he replied.
that was true. leroy's mum is from quebec, canada.
'and?', i asked again after a pause.
'and we're on our way of figuring the rest out', he said, 'uuum, fascinating!'.

we keep haggling over everything while watching the olympic games in vancouver.
'russia sucks', leroy would smile.
'you, canadians, couldn't even fix the column to rise up at the opening ceremony', i'd say then.
'i bet the engineers were russian', he'd fend.
'yeah, otherwise none of the columns would have risen up! and yet you maganed to screw it!', i'd say.
'hey, that american kid looks good', leroy would point at the huge tv in his apartment to change the subject.
'let's watch curling', i'd suggest.
'bright!', he'd compliment me and we'd watch curling and laugh.

once i stayed over at his place afterwards. 1 a.m., we're still hanging around and i got a call from jared asking me where i was.
'i'm at leroy's', i told him.
'way to go, girl', he whistled at the far end.
'i knew you'd approve', i said.
'no ditching tomorrow though', he commanded, 'you're to see your supervisor'.
'thanks, mum, i remember', i mocked him.
'don't forget to be safe, kid', he warned me with a parental concern in tone.
after i hung up the phone, leroy who heard every word of our conversation was looking at me uneasily.
'it's not to say he's getting on my nerves but seriously, this guy's behavior is getting really frustrating and intimidating at times', he said.
'that's jared', i just made a helpless gesture.

the other night we were watching the tv at my place, reclining on the couch in the darkness.
leroy brought me high school musicals 1,2,3 and lots of pop-corn with maple syrup and dr pepper.
'are you kidding me?', i asked then.
'oh, no', he was beaming, 'it's an american pasttime! and a part of american so called culture'.
'wow, arrogant canadian guy being snobbish, ', i commented.
'besides it's even romantic at times. mellow, us watching it is out of question'.
so we were lying on my couch late in the evening, leroy and me clasped in his arms when jared came in. no knocking on the door, no confusion.
he just came in, nodded to me, greeted leroy and tactlessly went to my fridge chewing something on the way.
he was in no hurry and made himself absolutely comfortable.
you should have seen leroy's face! omg that was freakingly amusing!
i collapsed with laughter, bewildered leroy was watching jarr in amazement and astomishment.
jared didn't give a shit.
'uum, what the hell is he doing?', leroy asked quietly.
'feeling free, absolutely free', i said.
'i'm starting to like the guy more and more', he said.
'he's my joey. or i'm his. by the way matthew perry is from canada', i added.
'yeah, i know', he liked the comment, 'but why joey?'.
'chandler promised him a room above the garage he can come to anytime. so apparently my apartment is the room above the garage', i smiled.
'oh, awesome', leroy nodded still keeping an eye on jared in the kitchen.
'jarr', i called him then, 'dear, you know i love you and always, always happy to see and have you, but we're sort of in the middle of romantic scene here now and as opposed to me', i emphasised the last part, 'my guest is a little embarrased by your presense'.
'thank you', leroy said sarcastically.
'oh', jared looked at us, 'look at you, huh! okay, fine, i'm going. anybody needs my help and a weighty opinion - feel free to ask, you know where to find me. have fun, folks'.
and he was gone.
this guy is doozy!

@темы: the US



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my family is a mess.
there in canada. my parents are having a crashy difficult time.
my dad says he's not satisfied with what he gets out of work there in canada. he's willing to go back.
while my mum enjoys every moment of their life despite all the financial difficulties they're going through right now. she wants to stay.
they keep fighting.
and every time i call them and hear them accusing each other it's fuckin ferocious.
that's not the way it has to be. that's not the perfect family i knew and am used to.
maybe we should all just get back together in russia to make it work.
although i doubt that doing something people don't really wanna do can make things better.
i totally understand momma's willingness ro stay.
and i understand my dad's ambitions.
and i wish i could help them. i wish i could.
i so damn fuck wish i could do something.

but i'm a distaster myself.
yet no car. a rented apartment.
and what i do now can't even be called a job, it's even less than a side job.
i have no money and no promising incomes in near-term perspective.
i dunno what to do next.
i'm not sure whether i'd manage to get the prolonged scholarship here.
i'd bust my ass to do it. but it doesn't solely depend on me.
if i don't then what? back to russia to nothing there waiting for me?
and what if i do? am i bent on being a longlife student?

but that's not what people see me.
i'm doing stuff, i'm smiling, i keep distracting myself and let me tell you i'm a hell good at it.
i don't wanna cause trouble for anyone. i don't wanna make anyone's life harder.
i don't wanna cause any conflicts.
so i just pretend like i'm fine even when i'm not
it's like a habit i guess but i'm tired of it. i'm tired of always being the good girl.
i'm tired of feeling like a phony.

and here's leroy.
an amazing guy, hot, caring, sarcastic, strong.
and i'm on my toes, i'm trying to reach after him, cause he's so succesful, he's mature, he's so self-determined.
he knows what he's doing and he's doing it.
and i'm like floating and looking around to see where would it lead me to cause i don't know while i'm moving.
and his family is sort of perfect intellectual one, at least from what i hear.
he hears pretty much the same from me cause that's what i'm used to.
and it's knocking me down to think that it might not be the same any more.
i'm i feel like i'm in the middle of nowhere.
cause my basement's moved and it's not the way it was supposed to be.
the basement should be steady. so am i supposed to be standing at it.
and when i'm talking to leroy it that true what i'm saying?
cause i don't feel like myself.
i don't know what i am.
i'm not sure of it.
and i wanna know.
and wanna be honest with him cause i really like leroy.
but at the same time i feel the urgent need to correspond, to answer, to match.
and since i don't know what i really am it gets difficult.
and i hate these thoughts cause about one thing i'm absolutely positive:
there's no way to make it work when it starts with talking round corners.

screw it all!!
and all i want now is to get drunk.
and i know someone who'd help me out to perform this mission tonight.

@темы: the US


next door

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every morning after we have a date or something like that with leroy jared comes in and looks in my eyes intently.
'what?', i ask impatiently.
'you look delighted but not way too happy!', he concludes sadly.
'what is that supposed to mean?', i ask.
'i'm waiting for the moment to congragulate you with the end of your extended stupid celibacy finally! but that guy doesn't seem to go for it', jared explains.
'jarr', i look at him while choosing something to wear, 'thanks for your concern, but -'.
'look at you! you're a beauty, ma girl! you're like this princess audrey hepburn in roman holidays who happened to have an unexpected affair with a village guy!', jared says.
'come on, jarr, leroy comes from a good family, he's well-educated and decent, he can't be called a village boy by any means', i wince.
'still i feel like i have to explain the boy he has to fight for the chance he was lucky to get', jared goes on cheerfully.
'jarr, you sound like an obsessed father!', i laugh, 'and when you say good things to me i can't help it but feel like you're laughing and mean the worst by saying it'.
'mark my words, the guy asks for troubles', he says simply.
'by troubles you mean a sex conversation with you?', i ask.
'okay, jarr, i have to get going! how do i look?', i ask looking in the mirror.
'you're gorgeous', he says.
'and again i feel like something's dreadfully wrong', i complain.
'gorgeous ang so silly', jared laughs.

@темы: the US


so now it's official, huh?

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i've had a great time this weekend!
a real date on st.valentine's day.
with 'i'll pick you up at 7' on the phone, flowers, fansy restaurant with candles and wine, a little black dress and hair done.
with smiles and compliments and embarassement at times.
it felt really good. it felt easy and enjoyable.
'believe it or not, but i've never had a real, full-service date before', i told leroy.
'oh, come on!', he didn't believe me.
'i'm serious! with all the bells and whistles, all that it implies - never', i smiled, 'i've been to restaurants, i've got flowers and all of that, but it never composed a full, right date'.
'what were you doing in high school then?', he chuckled, 'that's what high schools are for - to develop skills you need to get girl into', he paused thinking.
'what? into bed after the restaurant pre-phase?', i laughted, 'wouldn't it be too - flat? tacky? cheesy?'
'okay, okay, i got you', he nodded and said, 'skills required for boring or so to say perfect dates. really, high school and no dates?'.
'after high school i was busy getting married, remember?', i reminded him.
'you are not kidding about that, are you?', leroy asked, 'no dates, but a real official marriage behind you?'.
'that's weird, right? but no kidding here, only real life stories', i assured him.
'you're a freaky russian', leroy shook his head.
he asked me few more questions about my marriage and drove me home.
we kissed at my doorstep. it was nice.
'so', he started expressively.
i smiled and tried to catch my breath, 'so according to formal dates etiquette rules i should invite you in?'.
'in fact it should be a knee jerk, you know', he disapproved my guestion.
'i'll be working on it', i promised, 'shall we start it all over again then for my practice's sake?'.
'which part of it all? right from the restaurant or -', he smiled wryly.
'the most significant one', i smiled back and he kissed me again.
it was breath-catching again.
'would you like to come in for a cup of coffee?', i asked finally.
'yeah', he replied.
and while i was opening the door whispered in my ear joyfully, 'a cup of coffee is all i'm getting here tonight, right?'.
'um, you being perceptive', i smiled.
'you know, it turns out sometimes it's not easy to avoid being tacky and cheesy! sometimes all you want is being that! and you just can't help it', leroy said then.
we laughed.

@темы: the US



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russian pancakes week is finally over for me. here in the us, yeah-yeah!
i was making pancakes non-stop! seriously!
i've never been doing so many pancakes back in russia!
i mentioned it this wednesday to leroy that it's a pancakes week in russia when everybody's making russian traditional pancakes and he asked me to make some for him.
so we went straightway to giant - a huge grocery store - to buy flour.
and back to my place to make pancakes. we had no blender or shaker so i have to give a credit to leroy who had the good grace to mix the dough by hand and a fork.
i made the pancakes and a filling with ham and cheese and orange jam.
he loved it!
and the next day jarr came over and loved it even more!
'i set you up with a guy and now you're making him more delicious food than you did for me? you're a cheater!', jarr exclaimed.
so when it emerged that you can eat pancakes with caviar, salmon, mushrooms, ham&cheese, broccoli hollandaise, nutella and all kinds of sauses, creams, jams and honey my destiny was predetermined.
luckily jarr had a cocktail shaker which we used for the dough so it all got easier.

jared invited more and more people to our so called russian pancakes week party - at my place of course - each of them had to bring some of fillings as a must and i was making and throwing pancakes. i'm a pro now!
we had all kinds of pancakes! with all the possible and impossible fillings! we baked them in the oven, draw pictures on them, we ate them with ice-creams and hot chocolate drinks and so on and so forth.
and you know? i'm still not sick of them! it's an amazing food, really! and i'm so good at it, haha!

sometimes leroy would join us, grin his special crooked smile at me and ask, 'a mixer needed?'.
and i'd reply, 'no, jarr already got me one'.
the smile would die on his full lips and i'd add, 'it's electric. and you can be my co-pilot'.
'are we flying somewhere?', he'd ask then.
'nope, but these guys are', i'd say and throw a pancake in the air.
he'd smile and say, 'me, a co-pilot, huh? well, i don't wanna burst your bubble here, melly, but the first flight will set it in its place'.
'meaning?', i'd smile back.
'meaning we'll see who the captain is', he'd say.

friday night jarr tried to make it mexican, so while i was making pancakes he was working on hot chili and pepper tomato paste with cheddar cheese standing next to me.
and obviously we were laughing and elbowing each other staylessly.
leroy was watching us and then offered me to get some fresh air so we went out to have a smoke. that is to say i went out to have a smoke and he joined me.
leroy looked at me and asked while we were standing at jarr's balcony , 'you wanna know what i'm thinking about?'.
'do i have a choice?', i asked him.
'nope', he smiled and went on, 'i'm wondering. you and jared...'.
'yes?', i encouraged him to go on with a grin.
'during our first date you were talking about you meaning him and yourself and it came so naturally. and now that i saw you being so close - i was envious, really. are you seeing each other?'.
'oh, yeah! over past few months daily!', i said but then took mercy on him and corrected myself, 'as friends, very good friends. he's my big bro, sort of'.
'oh', he only heaved a sigh of relief.
'would it be a problem? would you leave and rue the day we met if i said we were a thing?', i asked then.
'here you go again - we', he pointed out but replied seriously, 'no. but i'd rather know what i'm facing'.
'you're facing me', i smiled.
'with the greatest delight, mellow', leroy said.
'mellow?', i asked.
'yeah, mel - melly - mellow. i think it fits you perfectly well, you're mellow. you don't mind me saying so, do you?', he asked anxiously.
'no, not at all. i actually love private nicknames and variations, that's very up close and personal', i replied.
'yeah, that's what i think', he smiled.
i was done smoking so he asked, 'let's get inside, shall we? or jared would be worried about you', he added sarcastically.
'yeah, and get you out of here and me grounded', i said.

today no pancakes. i'm having a date.
happy st valentine's!

@темы: the US


dreams are my reality

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i see alexander in my dreams every night over past couple of weeks.
in my dreams i'm not surprised to see him, to have him around.
we're just living our lives, or i should say out life. together as we used to.
nothing extraordinary, just daily life and conversations and us being together.
it's not theses passionate sexual dreams, it's more about relationships.
it feels like there's one more life going on along with the daytime one.
and today in the morning it really took me a few moments to make sure that i'm awake now, not in a dream.

@темы: the US


move move

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i'm going on a date friday. a real date. with a nice guy named leroy.
what an amusing thing our life is!
all you have to do is loosen up, look around and it's all there.
well, not all maybe but such a great deal of everything spread before your eyes, within the reach of your hands.
i finally cut myself some slack and went shopping.
christmas sales and some money from my parents made it possible.
i refuse to take money from my parents, but it was christmas, you can't refuse presents.
i buy stuff. and buying outfits in the us is incomparable. it's a pleasure. a keen pleasure. and it's orgasmic!!
i work a little for a russian company. i only wish it had more for me to do. but anyway.
i study a lot.
a make fancy dinners for jared, he's lost in admiration and begs me to be in temper for such things every night.
and i enjoy our deal - he buys food, i make sophisticated dishes out of what he buys.
we're both impossible to replace in this field - i have no money for expensive food and he can't cook.
i do not talk to alexander and don't feel like it.
i actually feel free in a way.
what bothers me is my mum's birthday coming soon.
and i'm so eager to take her out for dinner, kiss her, propose a toast with a fine wine and feel like a little girl again.
a little girl wearing an elegant black dress having a family dinner with her loving parents at the restaurant.
but my financial situation is still too lame for me to go to canada.
the crisis applies to my my parents there, also pressured by it.
luckily for them it's not so intense as it is for me, but still they feel the sting, so it would be bad of me to ask them to come here.
that's just not my ticket.
nevertheless everything feels good.
in a spring kind of way.
like something new is around the corner and about to emerge out of nowhere.

@темы: the US



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damn it's cold in ma!!
i've never been to northern parts of the us before so no wonder it astonishes me.
but according to weather forecast channel a downfall in md where i spent my childhood is predicted.
and that's unusual for those places!
but still i refuse to buy these ugly uggi boots!!

@темы: the US



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i've started to forget russian words. literally!
i just talked to my mum and had certain difficulties trying to choose an adequate equivalent for some words in russian.
no wonder since i only speak russian for less than half an hour a week - with my parents and sometimes friends - over the past five months.
apart from many hours conversations with alexander. but these are occasional.
wow, that's odd.

@темы: the US



Всё начинается с чьей-либо мечты
i took off my pinky the ring alexander gave to me a long time ago. i've never taken it off before.
and put on a string bracelet with a golden bee jarr gave me for christmas.
'does that mean it became meaningless?', jared asked suspiciously.
'nope. that means it's not a part of my present. and i'm keeping it real', i replied.
'can i ask you something?', jared said then.
i nodded.
'didn't you ever feel that this alexander part of your life is too big? no offence, i'm really interested', he added.
'i guess i thought of that when i was asked my phone number once and started to tell his number insted of mine without a second thought', i smiled, 'but i found it nice'.
'huge', he whistled.
'why?', i asked.
'i once loved a girl', jarr smirked and added, 'i guess. and i wanted to propose to her and live happily together until death do us part. but then i started to notice all the bad things about us - about her. at least i wanted to convince myself that it was all bad and wrong. and i succeeded, you know, i'm gifted. and that was it. i moved to boston without her'.
'you still love her?', i was surprised.
'no. the story wouldn't be so touching, love. definitely not', he smiled and the smile was real, with no trace of sadness, 'but i wonder. who of the two of us - you and me - is normal. you with your nostalgia or me with no regrets and strings attached'.
'sometimes i envy you', i said.
'i can't say the same. but it's interesting in your head', he pointed at me.
'romantic silly stuff, it's very common, you can google it', i shook my head.
'but you're normal! i mean you see things, you can ratiocinate, you're a smart kid. and yet', he shrugged his shoulders.
'maybe we'll learn something from each other', i suggested.
'i doubt that. but it might blow your minds away', he corrected.
'i don't mind', i smiled.
'neither do i', ne smiled back.

@темы: the US



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i repeated the announcement to jarr. and asked him to make sure i keep my promise.
'you know, love', he said then, 'it's not worth it if you cry. but looking at you and knowing what your story is - at least a little of it - i really think it's worth it. so don't mess it up'.
i nodded and asked him, 'jarr, can you set me up on a date?'.
'you mean a real date? like date?', he was surprised.
'yeah. with a nice guy. i really need somebody to fill in', i explained, 'to think about at least a little, to care about. i'm not a complete bitch - i usually think about people around me. but i need it in an as much romantic way as possible. so that i'd have something to switch over to. otherwise it's unbearable, jarr, unbearable. i need a backup, an alternative airport, you know, or there'd be no way to avoid the crash'.
'dear, you'll never find a better matchmaker! or should i call it a ponce?', he hugged me and added, 'you'll be fine, dear, you'll be supremely well', he assured me.
and i did my best to believe.

@темы: the US



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i wanna make an official statement.
i solemnly swear that from now on i'll never cry cause of him again.
not a single tear will be shed cause of him.
never ever.

date: 01.23.10.
location: ma, usa.
signature: a.k.

@темы: the US



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video calls only make it worse.
4 hours of slow movements and conversations with necessary for the distance to be covered pauses.
and then 'disconnect'. as if nothing happened.
you didn't kiss him goodbye. didn't touch his temple.
he didn't kiss your cheekbone. didn't whisper 'love you' while kissing your ear.
it's all so wrong! so fucking wrong! you can't accept it.
there's no way your conversation can be ended like that. with that nothing.
as if it all was just a vision. a malicious jest.
only worse.
you forget about the whole distance while talking ans seeing. you try to catch every word.
you smile. you both smile.
you don't think of hurrying to tell everything cause he's here, you'll have so many more opportunities.
and then - bang - nothing.
and then you're broken. illusion faded away and you with it.
you're betrayed, deceived.
he wasn't actually there, the universe grines.
you talked to him. but he was so damn far away.
it's driving crazy.
it's impossible. it can't be that way.
this malaise haunts your mind, you keep replaying it all over again and trying to grasp it.
and you can't. can't replay it. can't add anything.
cause he's hot here. he's there. really far away. away and living his life.
life that once was in so many ways yours.
life you have so little to do with now.
and the perception of the last one tears you into pieces.

all or nothing.
no more videos.
i attached a post-it to my web-camera.

and i love him.
and i'm really stupid.

@музыка: Sting - Shape Of My Heart

@темы: the US



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i love english. this is my favourite language and has always been since my first trip to the states.
it's direct and therefore faithful.
i'm positive it's so much easier to tell some things in english rather then in russian to be understood correctly.
i enjoy the language. i'm good at it but i still do my best to learn more and feel the slightest differences in styles and notions.
to make my english more colorful and comprehensive. to be able not to miss a single feature of what i have to say.
but it's so weird to translate alexander's lines into english.
i have no troubles translating my own. or my parents. or my russian friends.
but with him i can't get rid of the permanent sensation that something is missing, something graspless was left out of picture.
as if there's no way to embrace all these hidden meanings and undertones every word of him might contain.
as well as i can't read brodsky in english. i can clearly feel that that's not all he had to say, that it's just a cover, a mask of his thoughts and i'm eager to get through. bi keep unwrapping it instead of being there and it keeps me busy but i can't get enough. cause it's not adequate, it's not what i was meant to be.
same with alexander. my respect and admiration for him are too great to think that i can express it all by myself in thw right way.
he's a head taller than me. and yet he loves me. or loved at least - i must confess it hurts to say or even to think of it in past.

@темы: the US



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i couldn't stand. i found the stupidest excuse and text messaged alexander.
he fell for it and of course looked through. there's no way he'd be sidetracked like this.
he texted back, 'can you call me?'.
i did. and we never got back to my tacky excuse.
it was 2 a.m there where he was and an early evening here.
we discussed complicated philosophic issues, forgiveness and guilt, missed oppotrunities and shots people are actually taking, endless and unpredictable tide of life.
no 'how are you''s, no true life stories. abstracts and thinking aloud.
i lost track of time.
he brought us back to reality for a while when said, 'you have a new 'ooh' sound'.
'how is that?', i asked.
'american. and - i should admit - coquettish', he smiled there.
'coquettish good or coquettish bad?', i tried to clarify.
'lenie', he warned me softly, 'it's bad manners to overdo - even in flirting. especially in flirting'.
'drawing attention to unexperienced girl's mistakes is not gentlemanlike either, you know', i replied.
'lenie', he repeated.
'so you're the only one able to make sarcastic remarks here, right? sorry i might have forgotten the right behaviour pattern', i said.
he smiled. soundlessly but i could hear it and smiled back.
a pause. he noticed. smile.
we talked about paths and possible or right ways to choose. and whether people are able to confess even to themselves and see and accept true motivations and reasons.
'i keep wondering what the decisive pro-argument for you to leave was, you know', he said pensively.
i tried to answer but he interrupted me, 'no, don't. i can say all the right words you have for an answer myself. and wrong ones too', he added. 'i know the outlines'.
'you wonder what the one essential was', i said.
'yes. the internal. there's always one true - hidden behind bright and rational peripheral', he agreed.
and i had no clue. so i said, 'and i wonder whether the decision was right'.
it was his turn not to answer.
one and a half hour flashed by like two seconds.
the one in the beginning before i heard his voice and the other in the very end when i had take a breath to say goodbye.

@темы: the US



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you have me on a string.
you're not gonna let go of me, are you?
'please, don't, don't! don't you ever do that', a voice within me is begging.

alexander called me.
orthodox christmas is his thing. he has his reasons to believe in God. once he simply faced the faith - if the word 'simply' is appropriate when you're talking about God.
he called me and said, 'guess what. last night my gps suddenly turned on right in front of me, on the table. and i heard: 'make a u-turn at the first opportunity, your destination is opposite your current location'. and it turned off. i'm not superstitious, you know, and i'm not gonna interpret it. but that's what has happened'.
'it's like christmas divination', i said in amazement.
'upgraded one?', he asked.
'yeah', i nodded, 'special 21 century prediction for the special one. limited edition and everything', i replied.
'hey, lenie?', he called my name.
'huh?' i responded, 'there's a star?'.
'yeah, definitely. there's a star', he smiled to me warmly from far away.

that's his way to say merry christmas. there's a star.
very personal. very alexander.

there's a star.

@темы: the US



Всё начинается с чьей-либо мечты
what's the point of missing someone when you're not getting any closer?
what's the point of holding on to something behind if it only keeps you from moving on?
shouldn't we just let go of it and get over with it?

that's not fair the way it is.
you're looking backwards but you're moving forward.
that's unfair to your past - since it doesn't make sense for you to show your concern when you're not doinf anything to come back to it.
and you're missing all your future - since it's all passing by cause of you looking away from it.
and most of all it's unfair to you cause you're torn between.
and it's driving you crazy.

and the weidrest part of it is that you don't wanna let go.
you want to move on, to live your life, to enjoy it and make your future happen.
but the scariest thing is to lose this feeling you have now about past.
you know your future can be amazing, it's floating right in front of you, you can feel its soft tickling against your skin.
and all you have to do is to let your past go. and your future will happen to you. you know it. and it's not that frightening.
but it scares the hell out of you to leave the feeling behind.
it's not about hope or anything it may have to do with your future. not at all. it's the feeling you already have.
the idea of not having it to come back to, of not being able to remember it properly, of losing it is unbearable.
no, you'd do everything to keep it.

and here you are, right here in between.
masochistic and going crazy.

@темы: the US


missed, calls

Всё начинается с чьей-либо мечты
i called jared to tell him i'm coming back this friday, 'will you meet me?'.
'shoot, i was expecting you thursday. i'm leaving for the whole weekend on friday morning', he informed.
'so i'll come back to an empty appartment? after all these holidays i'd have to face the loneliness right away?', i added disappointedly.
'what would you choose - a good weekend or a good weekend with sex?', he asked me then.
'crap', that was all i could say.
'second alternative i take it', he declared.
'have fun', i agreed and added, 'and let me know if something has changed there'.
'in sex?', he chuckled louder.
'yeah, you know, if they do it differently now. it's not that it has any influence on me, but i'd like to know, it's hip', i explained groolimy.
'it's hip to have it, not to know about it, love', jared was already laughing.
'you know i hate you', i replied.
'oh yes, i do', he said and added anxiously, 'so is there something i should arrange for your arrival?'.
'you brown-nosing means i'm the one wearing pants in our couple?', i pulled a stunt on him.
'urgh, you're impossible to talk seriously to!', he exclaimed.
'that's me', i smiled.

@темы: the US



Всё начинается с чьей-либо мечты
did i ever mention that i wanted kim basinger to come back to mickey rourke in 'nine 1/2 weeks'?
despite the feeling from the very beginning that he'd kill her finally?
despite the evident that they have no future and never had.
despite the awareness i'd have left right after this crawling game and would have never looked back?
is danger always so mind-blowingly hot?
or - haha - do i need sex so badly?
the best erotic movie ever.

@темы: the US



Всё начинается с чьей-либо мечты
my parents sent me a tiffany toggle necklace here to west chester as a new year gift.
and it's adorable! not to mention tiffany&co being every girl's dream after 'breakfast at tiffany's' and audrey hepburn.
and a red ribbon on a gift box and a tiffany new year postcard. and the whole excitement while i was unwrapping it.

and jared who is in charge of my appartment while i'm out of town called yesterday and told me i had also been sent flowers from my russian friend dima.
red roses and a note in russian which jared is dying to read but simply can't. that's the most amusing part of the whole flowers thing altough i hardly ever get flowers delivered to my place so it's amazing itself.

i kept getting calls from all over the world!
and the point was that my american friends called to congragulate me with russian new year for the most part.
and my russian friends did their best to figure out when it would be midnight here in pennsylvania and call me right then.
so i got calls and texts with good wishes all the way.

it was a great new year night (day too for that matter)!
i didn't expect it to be that way.
but friends are people who can make it special even from far away.

two quotes on the point.
"perhaps love is the process of my leading you gently back to yourself" (c) exupery.
by loving us people help us to find ourselves. sometimes for the first time, sometimes all over again.
"my goal in life is to become as wonderful as my dog thinks I am." (c) toby green.
in the way my dog looked at me and actually saw me i saw the person i've always wanted to be, the person i should have been to deserve my dog's love given to me for nothing.

@темы: the US

Дневник amelfa