Каждый миг имеет бесконечную ценность, потому что он представляет вечность.
(Johann Wolfgang von Goethe)
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04:13 

whys

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and how come i'm so happy i have you?
how come we're not together but i know you're mine?
and how come that makes me happier than anything else?
how come this discrete but so concrete awareness is more real than anything i have?
how come this pain is the dearest and the most important and significant thing?

@темы: the US

00:38 

r

Всё начинается с чьей-либо мечты
bought the tickets to europe.
i'll be there with matt who's being so nice and considerate.
and we talk for hours.
in person or over the phone at nights.
and i smile and sort of wait for him to call or text.

but r called me today and we only talked for some two minutes.
and these two minutes meant more than all the time spent with matt.

and for the first time i feel like my heart is being torn apart.
squeezed in my chest, with my chest.
and this is almost like physical pain. literally.
i'm ok from the outside and maybe even in my head and thoughts.
and i kinda live up to the hilt.
and enjoy it.
and will go on like that.
but it hurts inside.
i take a breathe and it hurts.
and i know i'll take another breathe. and i do.
and after a number of them it will ease
till some point where i can live almost not paying attention to it.
until it hurts again
once i hear his voice.
or remember yourself - different myself - myself with him.

gosh how come i love you so much?
how could this have happened to us?

@темы: the US

01:08 

first time

Всё начинается с чьей-либо мечты
i came to roy's office yesterday after work.
at 18.30 i was there.
i was riding when i saw his car speeding towards me.
he opened a window and stoped.
i stoped too. and smiled so happily for the first time in days
seeing his amazement.
i opened my window too.
the car going after me was already beeping.
'what are you doing here?' toy asked in astonishment.
'i wanted to say hi if you're still here. hi,' i simply replied still smiling.
'you're crazy,' roy said so tenderly and softly.
nobody can call me crazy with such dearness, delicacy and tenderness.
the car was still beeing.
i laughed and hit the gas pedal.
and saw him leaving too in my rear-view mirror.
moment of pure happiness.

i've accepted matt's offer.
asked my boss if i could have a vacation.
my amazing boss said, 'mel, in our business there's never a good time to leave. so go whenever you want, don't even ask.'
and just texted patient matt that i am in fact going.
he called back, 'are you sure?'
'i told you. yeah,' i said.
and he as usual never asked me any questions cinserning why its taking me so long to make up my mind.
wednesday we're goin to a coffee house my friend ethan opened recently
and i wanted to show to roy so badly.
but it'll be matt i'll meet there.
we'll book our hotels in portugal.
and in less than two weeks we'll go there.

and i've never ever said anything like that.
but this never happened to me before.
i've never loved anybody so strongly.
i don't wanna underestimate artyom or alexander.
but it was different.
i never wished i'd meet them in some ten years and get a second chance.
and here i want this chance.
i wanna be with him, maybe later, but i want that so.
cause i really don't feel like i would ever meet anybody so close.
anybody so meant for me.
anybody making me feel the way i feel when i'm with roy.
we match.
we make each other better.
when we're together we're different.
when there's just the two of us
there're real us.
not the ones known even by close friends.
there're genuine him and me.
known by nobody else but each other.
getting together is like getting home after a long and adventurous vacation/business trip.
a vacation we feel the need to share with each other finally
and stay home.

when i was completely jacked up a couple of weeks ago,
didn't know what to do with my job and life in general
i had no doubts about whom i would go to.
and roy had no doubts whether he would be there for me or not.
course he was.
he's always been.
he kept me under scrutiny, gave advices and was total support.
we talked for hours.
only a few days ago he told me that
that evening an old friend of his came to the city for just a few hours
and they were supposed to meet.
and of course they didn't cause roy spent the whole evening with me.
'will asked me, who the hell is she for you now?' roy told me, 'you'll meet her tomorrow.'
'what did you say?' i asked in turn.
'to will? i said no, she's not a kind of girl to keep her waiting, that's all.'
'so much,' i said after a pause.
'you too,' he simply replied.

so much, roy.
i love you so much.

please can we be together someday? for real?
please?

@темы: the US

02:52 

ask

Всё начинается с чьей-либо мечты
'my colleague matt is inviting me to portugal for a vacation,' i told roy recently, 'but you'd kill me for that, wouldn't you?'
'i wouldn't, why,' he replied.
'you wouldn't? really? and you wouldn't make my life a hell afterwards? wouldn't remind me of it every now and then?!'
'dunno yet.. maybe i would,' he said then.
'that's it. that's why ocean and sun are great but when i think of what it can cause me it becomes not an option,' i nodded.
'you're kidding me, right? don't you dare think of me in this case. do as you think fit. you need a rest,' roy was firm.
'i'm not kidding,' i simply smiled.
'i've already said everything,'' roy shut it off.

gosh. gosh.
it's been so long since we were together.
and last few days have been so dreadfully painful.
so bittersweet. so bitter. but so gosh sweet.

my dearest dearest dearest r.
if only. if only..
in other circumstances? another time?
no. i'll never regret a single detail of it.
but if only we could be together.
i'd be the happiest person in the entire world.
honestly.


alisson asked me what i thought of the whole thing and what i was gonna do about it.
i answered, 'nothing i guess. i think i should go to portugal with matt. and think that maybe in some 10 years we'd meet somewhere occasionally. we'd find out that he'd married a good jewish girl with curls and already got divorced. i'd marry a nice guy and would also get divorced already. and then we'll see. as for now - nothing.'
'nop,' alisson said firmly. 'that's the most destructive thought to think. nop nop nop. don't!'
i smiled sadly, 'nothing can happen now. so for now i've gotta move on? but who knows what will happen after? long after.'
'that's true,' she agreed, 'but you have to move on without thinking that. don't think 10 years from now. think now. cause you can't marry someone thinking that it's just a step to get closer to the meeting point with roy.'
'i want us to have a chance. someday. we should have this chance. we have to. i can't make it final. i can't, i won't accept the thought that there's no way we'll be together. we can make mistakes but i need this chance no matter what. i want us to have it so freaking badly,' i blurted out.
'i know, hon,' alisson hugged me, 'i know.'
'i love him. and it's so messed up. fucked up. screwed. but so amazing,' i admitted.
'yeah,' alisson smiled with me, 'yes, it is amazing.'


it's been like three days since i'm listening to mozart. and am about to cry.

@темы: the US

23:46 

is

Всё начинается с чьей-либо мечты
you can look for advantages and reasons to endlessly. and find a lot.
but when this search is possible it's a waste.
cause when it's real and genuine there can be no reasons and explanations.

i moved to another apartment.
no more jarr by my side.
my new office is in 15 minutes by car.

and a colleague Matt is inviting me to join him in his trip to portugal.
i asked for a week to think.
and i want to. but i can't.
he's nice and fun and fine. and i need some rest.
but it feels like cheating on Roy.
i'm still there. not here.

not cause i'm cherishing hopes, no.
i know how this would hurt him.
and how hurting him would hurt me.
and not hurting him is uncomparable with a week of vacation.

reasons pro vs none of them.

what is love?
when you want a person to miss you and go crazy
it's love to yourself.
but when you really want this comebody to feel good
with you or without
you feel the need to know he or she's good.
with pain if without you.
with overwhelming happiness when with you.
this is probably for real.
it's difficult to live with.
it's impossible to explain even to yourself.
but this tenderness and care inside
it stronger than everything else.

gosh how much i want Roy to be happy.
and holy shit how deeply and strongly i want it to be with me.

i love you.

@темы: the US

21:20 

jealousy. over.

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after that conversation we sort of started communicating.
not dating, not at all.
but i had presented him whiskey he won
and after that we started texting or calling each other from time to time.
talking about nothing in particularly and laughing a lot.
we visited the same friends and were talking at parties.
we even had a coffee break one day. 20 minutes in a crowded place - wow.
on the one hand i was afraid of us talking normally
cause i hate the idea of our passing traling away.
on the other hand after these short, really short (we keep a distance) conversations
i was smiling.

except for one thing.
since i've started avoiding places where we can meet i saw him more often.
with girls as well.
not holding hands, not kissing, nothing.
but every time after i had seen him with a girl i was dying to get an answer: who the hell was her?
frankly speaking i wanted to hear: it's nothing, she's just a colleague and oh yeah really dull and boring.
it would even be better if she was deeply married or/and pregnant with her third child
so he was just helping her with heavy bags cause he's a gentleman.
i was jealous like crazy.
at the same time i knew he owes me nothing.
he doesn't belong to me.
he can date whoever he wants.
and he have absolutely no reason to keep me informed.
so every time i bit my lip and said nothing.
but last night it got out of wack.
i was going home from the office
and saw his car parked in front of the park he used to hand out in.
and a part of me was eager to pull over and see who is he there with.
and yeah, sober-minded and prudent part of me was telling:
hey, girl, the guy had just said he loved you,
there's nobody he can be there with.
you know him. you know him better than anyone.
but another part wanted to know what was he doing there and
whether he wasn't alone.
and i hated myself for that!!
this is not me!!
i'm not tracking anyone!!
i'm not being jealous!!
this is not me!!
i respect myself too much to humble myself with even a thought like that!

and when he called me afterwards, i burst out, 'roy, i can't do this.'
'meaning?' he tightened.
'i misknow myself. this is not me!! i'm freaking out!! i'm so gosh jealous! today i wanted to pull over and see whom you were in our park with!' i admitted.
'i was..' he started unwillingly.
'i don't wanna know!! no! i'm dying to know! but don't say anything! this is not right!! this is not me!! every time you're somewhere near me it's getting on my nerves! and this is not me! i don't act like that! i don't know who this crazy girl willing to follow you everywhere is! and i hate her! i loathe and pity her! this is so pathetic!' i was saying.
he sighed, 'so what do you mean by that?'
'i'd ask you to stop,' i pronounced uneasily. 'your presence in my life is priceless, i missed that so and it's like a fresh air i can't get enough of, i want more of it so badly. but in the frame of us now it's not enough. i wish i could handle it and have you back at least like that. but i can't. and i don't wanna be that girl who i am now. this is really not me. i don't wanna be her. and i don't wanna you to know this jealous diffident hysterical suspisious and winding herself up foolish bitch.' i was being hyper. 'we've gotta stop.'
'you sure?' roy asked simply.
'no,' i answered quickly but corrected myself, 'yes - for now, that's for the best.'
'i don't wanna do that,' roy replied. 'i love having you back. but let's try.'
'you've done that once already,' i snarled.
'what? when?'
'erased me from your life,' i replied.
'ouch,' he reacted on the barb and went on, 'i never succeeded though.'
we were silent. i was afraid of breaking the silence.
'okay,' roy said slowly, 'i guess. take care?'
'yeah. you too.'

i don't know what i have done.

@темы: the US

23:49 

r

Всё начинается с чьей-либо мечты
i'm full with r's love like a balloon.
it's overwhelming.
so undescribable.
impossible to expalin.

@музыка: hurts - stay

@темы: the US

01:13 

my dearest roy

Всё начинается с чьей-либо мечты
i love you, i love you, i love you.
i've never told you. and probably never will.
but i love you.

we had a conversation with roy.
we got drunk at the party and started talking.
and had a bet that he will explain me what happened then.
i was sure he'd forget or pretend to.
i would have never reminded him.
but he came over the next day.
'will you remind me what exactly i promised to tell you?' he started right away.
'you're determined when it comes to a bottle of whiskey on stake,' i smiled.
'so? are you gonna tell me or you're afraid?' he mocked.
'you wanted to tell me what changed between us,' i said carefully.
he was silent.
'said goodbye to your whiskey?' i tried to make a joke but he was concentrated.
'no,' he shook his head finally, 'i'll tell. i've never had such a serious relationship. and i never intended to but nobody asked me if i wanted it or not, it just happened. yet i wasn't ready. i knew the next step would be to ask you to marry me. but who am i to hold you? i'm not even sure i can handle it by myself not speaking of a family. and keeping it the way it was would have been unfair - it would have been unfair to you. it's take it or leave it. and i left it - one can't bit off more than one can chew. if it was another girl i would have sent her to hell a thousand of times. but it's you. you. and i can't send you anywhere. and i hate the slightest idea.'
i had nothing to say.
'tell me honestly,' he said.
'okay. what?'
'did you have someone after me?'
'no,' i answered.
'don't lie,' he wrinckled.
'when will you get this clear that i don't lie to you?' it was my turn to ask.
'so nobody?' he asked again.
'there was an attempt ti kiss me. but i didn't want it,' i said.
'now i feel bad,' roy said.
'there's no reason,' i tried to tell.
'there is,' he cut me short, 'it's not about you. i gotta go. you owe me whiskey.'
'i do. big one. thanks for answering. i thought you wouldn't,' i could only say.
'yeah, right.'
and that was the last saw of him so far.

he loves me.
and i love him.
and it doesn't seem like going away.
and i don't want it to fade ever.
no matter how things go.

hey there.
r. i love you.

@темы: the US

02:40 

working experience

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just got a call from my boss mr thompson saying that tomorrow my business trip starts.
thus now i'm packing my things cause tomorrow afternoon i'm heading to new york.
where i will have business lunches and dinners with partners
in addition to speeches and presentations i'd have to make.
one of our best analysts george will be there to accompany and support me.
and george is very experienced and wise man,
watching him carrying on negotiations with general directors and accountants is always a pleasure.
i wish i understood all the underflows of such conversations!
george hates driving
so after these meetings i'm the one at the wheel
and i'm also the one who keeps asking questions about everything what has been said.
cooperation with george is definitely one of the most rewarding and remarkable experiences in my working proccess.
he would give me another lecture over smoking
however i'm happy he's the one going with me
not anybody else.
it should all go well.
i'm excited!
i need a change of scene badly!
it should help.
it's new york, baby!

@темы: the US

02:43 

bonus night-2

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a couple of weeks ago i met roy at the birthday party of one of our friends.
i knew he'd be there, came by car and wasn't drinking in contrast to him.
i left pretty soon as i planned, he catched up with me on my way to the car.
'won't you give me a ride?' he simply asked.
he was sad and extremely tired and kind of devastated.
i wanted to be there for him like crazy but that would have been totally out of wack.
'get in,' i shrugged, 'hi.'
'hi, melly,' he smiled and got in.
he was holding my hand all way long, we were talking as if nothing has happened.
i was driving with only my left hand as before.
it felt so falimiar and comfortable.
i pulled over in front of his house.
we got out to have a smoke.
he kissed me, i kissed him back.
somehow we closed the car and went to his place.
it's been one of the best nights we spent together. it was insane. it was crazy.
we couldn't catch the breathe, we couldn't speak, we took no notice of the world around.
it was an outburst, many outbursts we couldn't resist.
it was a kaleidoscope.
once one let's say act or chapter was over, we started another one right away
as if we were about to disappear the next morning and wanted to get the most out of the night we had.
at some point i mentioned going to work in the morning and said something about me leaving.
instead of replying he kissed me so fiercely it blew my mind away.
'did my intention to leave turned you on like that?' i managed to say quickly.
he just growled and we went on.
me leaving in the middle of the night was definitely off the table.
at dawn we were exhausted and not able to speak when he said unexpectedly serious, 'can i ask you a question?'
'sure.'
'what is it you found in me?' he said.
'meaning?'
'these many months ago when we met - what could you see in me? i mean, look at you and look at me. there's no way it could have worked out. what did you see in me?' roy said.
i changed a subject, he kept up the ball but then brought it up again, 'you didn't answer.'
'what did i see in you?' i gave myself a moment to keep my mind from straggling.
he nodded.
'what is so astonishing about that? yes, we're different and live different lives that might have never intersected if not for us being together and making it work. but i was happy with you. happier than - than - probably ever before. and when the present is so incredible do you really have to seek for hidden meanings, make plans and think of consequences? i didn't. and i felt good.'
he was pensive.
'once we have this conversation. what i wanna know is - what has changed?' i couldn't help it, i had to ask. 'there was so much of you all over, you were everywhere, in what i think, in what i do, in what i see and say. and then you were gone. switched off. why?'
he hesitated.
we were lying silently for a few minutes, i was waiting and knew he's thinking of my question, not going to pass off.
then he said silently, 'the deuce knows'.
'can we forward the questing to the deuce? i really wanna know,' i said.
he smiled and touched my hair with his nose, 'i don't know. it got too much to handle. don't torture me, please.'
'what i never wanted was to torture you,' i replied honestly, 'remember the first rule? 'i'm here to make you feel better, never worse'?'
he smiled again, sadly this time, 'that's the way it's always been, you know it.'

this week o was coming back from a business lunch when i saw him with another girl on the street.
it's not that they were kissing or holding hands or something.
but it hurt.
i knew he saw me but pretended he didn't.
i walked by.
and got a call from him in some 3 minutes, 'hey there, how have you been?'
it's only been a few times we called each other over the past months, neother it was for nothing now.
'what was that?' i've decided not to play games.
'you saw?'
'yeah.'
'i'll meet you in the coffee house over the corner in 5 minutes. please don't go away,' roy asked.
i was smoking in front of the coffee house when he appeared in front of me.
we were talking about work and friends and stuff, i was looking away.
'please make your hands stop trembling,' roy asked ovwewarmingly, 'mine aren't,' he showed me his hand.
'happy for you. i can't help it,' i grizzled.
'this is not what you think. i promise.'
i didn't answer, then he went on, 'let's go, should we?'
'go,' i only said trying to calm down.
'i won't. i wanna go together with you,' he said steadily, 'stop smoking. shall we?'
'go,' i repeated.
'no,' he simply said.
he walked me to the office diligently trying to make a small talk and telling stories, i hardly responded.
he called me in a couple of days asking if i was okay which is not what he's ever been doing lately.
i was keeping it distant and unusually reserved.
'please stop doing that, i can't stop thinking about it, i feel so bad,' roy said.
'oh, do you?' i smirked.
'okay. her name is caroline, she's my friend's sister, engaged and pregnant, i was just showing her around,' he said angrily.
'don't talk to me like this! it feels like i'm being slapped!' i answered back.
'cause there's nothing to discuss! and you're still on it, not letting go of it, bringing it on and on to me not listening to what i say,' roy said.
'you never explained!' i bursted out.
'you never asked! even now you didn't! i explained myself,' he said more softly.
'then why are you explaining? i asked nothing. we're off. for quite a long time by now,' i said.
'i just did. i couldn't leave it this way,' roy said.

it is not easy.
probably the most difficult break up i've ever had.
even the divorce seems easier now.


in a week i'm going to venice.
with my green ipod.
and dozens, thousands of plans for my brand new life.
starting there.

@темы: the US

14:38 

boys/girls

Всё начинается с чьей-либо мечты
roy came over last weekend.
out of blue he was on the threshold. almost with no words, or at least i don't remember any of it.
he was concentrated, grabbed me and kissed.
in this fierce kiss, biting each other, me scratching his back we fell on the couch and had sex.
after all these months.
and it wasn't like getting back together, i knew that.
i wasn't cherishing any hopes. neither did he.
but i didn't feel guilty either.
we were lying on the couch afterwards, looking away, him slightly stroking my shoulder with his fingertips, me touching his chest with my nose.
'do you?' he asked.
'yes. you?' i asked in return.
'mellow, course i do. why do you think i'd come here if i didn't miss you? i think of you every fucking day.' roy replied.
i swallowed my endless why's. didn't day a word.
then he kinda answered himself, 'you know, looking back i realize you were all i could think of. how come they didn't get me fired?'.
'but now it's okay, you're working a lot, i heard you got a promotion.' i said.
'yeah, now it's all right. with all the trimmings,' he said.

we were talking about everything in the world as if nothing had happened.
at some point i ended a sentence this way, 'that's really frustrating - the technologies make you feel needless, unwanted'.
'mel, the way you are you'll be needed always and everywhere. as opposed to me,' roy smiled.
'how formal,' i always shiver when he calls me mel or some other way different from tender and sweet names we have in hand.
'true though,' he replied simply.

then he asked if i had someone over past months that we're not together.
'what do you think?' i asked him in turn.
'well, as a matter of fact i think you had no one,' roy gave me a guestioning look.
'i did have no one,' i confessed.
'just like me,' he nodded and went on, 'however i don't think that would be a problem for you to have a meaningless sex with somebody. nothing serious, just attraction, huh?'
that was harsh and bitter.
however i know him better that that and understand that wasn't a way to hurt me,
that was an arrogant way to wrestle against his fears ans speculations.
he wanted to look cool and indifferent, but he needed to spell out his fears, he needed an official contradiction.
and i had no wish to hurt him by snaping back.
by not saying the truth that that's purely my problem but there's nobody i sleep with -
cause there's nobody i wanna sleep with
except for him.
'you think i'm cooler than what i really am,' i signed, 'and in fact i'm better than what you think of me.'
'there's nobody i think so highly of as i do of you,' roy said silently.
'i know,' i nodded, 'but i'm better than that.'

i miss him.
being with him or even thinking of him makes me feel so warm. tender. calm. peaceful.
it makes me smile.

and i can't even be mad at him.
only in play.

@темы: the US

02:54 

news

Всё начинается с чьей-либо мечты
bought red ford taurus.
green ipod.
tockets to itLy for my birthday in may.
i'm pretty cool, huh?

@темы: the US

02:25 

roy

Всё начинается с чьей-либо мечты
he came over this friday.
met me in front of my office.
said he needed 5 minutes to talk to me.
i nodded.
we walked to jar's car i came by.
we got in.
i looked at him.
'why are you looking at me like this? think you'd find something in my eyes?' he smirked.
'there's nothing i'd find,' i replied.
he smiled and started kissing me.
silently.
tenderly. then passionately. then slowly again. and faster.
then he touched my cheek with his fingertips.
i forgot how to breathe.
he groaned.
moved a little bit away and asked, 'you'd kill me?'.
'your time is up. go,' i managed to say.
he kissed me quickly once more. opened the door. kissed me again.
and was gone.

@темы: the US

23:45 

moving

Всё начинается с чьей-либо мечты
'what is that supposed to mean?', roy would call and ask about the silence matter-of-factly.
'i don't know,' i'd reply honestly.
'i've missed you. i don't like missing you,' he'd say.
'neither do i,' i'd confess.
what a glorious conversation.

meanwhile i'm about to take a pregnancy test.
seriously, that's just great - every time i end a serious relatioship i'm afraid of being pregnant.
not while we're dating, nope. after - absolutely! give me that freakin test!

i'm going to russia in a week. for two weeks.
will try to arrange a trip to italy with my russian friends.
although i hardly believe that has any chance to work out.

i'm moving to another city here in the us in a couple of month.
i'm all into my work.

and only one thing haunts me:
that i see roy is not that well.
and instead of being independent and over
which by the way i almost did
i'm worried.
so worried about him
that every now and then i catch myself thinking of ways to help him out.
which is wrong! so wrong!
i should stop doing that.
i call mum, describe the situation, she says, 'he's a nice guy, it must be difficult to bear'.
'you're not helping!' i'd tell her and once more assure myself of the fact that she really liked the guy.
i guess that's sort of the first time when she really liked my date.
i'd shake my head and call dasha, describing the situation to her and summarizing, 'i'm such a fool!'
'yes, you are, mel,' dasha would say, 'i'm sorry but that's true. women are fools, that's what my dad says.'

sometimes i wish i could be more of a bitch.
but i can't stop caring about people i love.
and i do love him.

felix showed up this saturday.
with friends. and meat, cake and mafia!
that in fact was one of the best evenings and nights of 2011 so far.

i'm not a mess.
but i've been better.
yep, i definitely was.
some one month ago.
two month ago even more so.

@темы: the US

07:42 

cont

Всё начинается с чьей-либо мечты
Первый шок скоро утонет,
Я переименую тебя в телефоне -
Будет строго теперь
И вряд ли
Пригодится еще...
(c)zemfira
haven't heard this song before.

anna texts me: 'think you're alone? you wish! i'm on your shoulder'.
i don't run from people, i'm not in isolation
the way i used to do when something was wrong.
i can talk. including us with roy.
i'm not saying i get into details - i never tell a lot about my private life to anybody with just a couple of exceptions.
it's my treasure. mine and roy's in this case.
i won't share it with anybody. that's mine.
i fervently protect it from other's eyes.
but i talk. i can say that we're off.
and smile. not happily but intelligently.
that's new.

as if something cracked inside of me.
something changed.
something switched me over to the next stage, next level -
the one i've never seen before.
and i don't know if i like it
but have no choice but to obey and adopt new regulations of the game called life.

it's just that from time to time i wanna come over,
put my hands on your cheeks, meet your eye
and ask silently: 'what are we doing?'.

but then this intention passes by.
like a fleeting flashback, elusive fata morgana.
which fades away and i find myself back in this new level
i'm not used to yet.

and on this new level i'm thinking of a trip to italy.
joseph always said italy should be visited in winter.
well, maybe i won't make it till the end of winter,
but hopefully the beginning of spring would go?
wanna go there alone. walk. smoke. watch.
enjoy the beauty. drink wine and eat the finest pizzas.
breathe.

@темы: the US

03:13 

renewal

Всё начинается с чьей-либо мечты
the trick is not to intercross.
brian - our with roy mutual friend - mentioned him today.
he only skated over roy. but i shivered.
said roy's lost. that he's not himself.
but that brought me to the realization that he's in fact not that far away but not with me.

i talked to anna - my and ilya's friend from russia.
we were recalling ilya. our basis.
one of very few people in the whole world you wanna listen to.
the one you'd follow wherever he takes you. the one whose word you'd believe.
without any hesitation. without a shadow of doubt.
the one who's always right.
and even if you don't see it the same way now, you know that's true.
if only he was here. if only i could talk to him.
gosh.

i'm moving to another city. probably even sooner than was planned - in the end of february.
and before i do that i wanna take a leave and go to moscow .
not because i have to go there. cause i wanna spend a couple of weeks there.
to set the record straight.
maybe i want this to be this grown-up mature visit.
to come where i came from. and not to run away.
Сколько раз я вернусь -
но уже не вернусь - словно дом запираю..(c)joseph

maybe it's another infant delusion,
but for the first time in my life i feel like i got more mature over the past year.

@темы: the US

04:41 

only time

Всё начинается с чьей-либо мечты
just give me some more time.
let's say till the end of this week.
and i'll be able to let you go.
completely.
i'll still love you. and will still miss you.
but i will accept new rules. adopt new course.
i will finally face the future - one without you.
i'll move on.
not pretend that i did but for real.
i'm almost there.

and for some reason it seems like the first time in my life when i'll move on consciously.
not running away and hiding. not depending on time healing and treating from pain.
but moving on with my eyes wide open and straight-backed.
first time when i'm ready to draw the line.
not leaving back entrances wide open and secretly hoping he'd use it.
ready to close the chapter. and start a new one with no evident references.

i don't wanna do that.
but it feels like i almost did.

gosh, i miss you. and love you.
but i'll do without you.

what are we doing, roy? what are we doing?
after that there will be no way back.

@темы: the US

01:46 

y, R, y?

Всё начинается с чьей-либо мечты
why do we have to make things so complicated?
find other meanings and explanations, profound significances?
the fact that two people are happy together, that's it's way better for them to stick to each other than to be apart - isn't that enough for them to stay thay way?
why can't we just forget about everything - morals, plans, implications.
dial the number you know by heart and say 'i love you'.
i love you.
and i miss you.

and yes, i can live without you.
eventually you realize that very few things given to you by life are everlasting.
mostly things, people, backgrounds are temporarily.
it shouldn't be underestimated though, not at all. that's what builds us, what makes us what we are.
and in one form or another we take that luggage with us to our future.
but these are steps. steps we should stand at and - pass.
steps we're thankful for. things we appreciate and love and never forget.
but at some point your present becomes your past.
and the biggest mistake a person can make is to hold onto this past.
it will guide you, it will give you some hints, it's such a great and priceless support.
but it's an accompanying, not the leadning component.
your future is there to dictate, not your past which should fit into the picture of your future.
and finally you learn how to let go of things.
things so meaningful and loved.
you will never be sorry about any single part of it, cause it was beautiful.
and even though you don't want to let you, you do.
and each time it gets easier for you to do that.
you just loosen your grip and smile remembering.
i can do that. and i can move on. i'm strong.

when we were breaking up, roy told me, 'you know, for quite a long time i couldn't understand how guys can be friends with such a hottie. i think i get it now.'
'you mean you'd rather be friends with me?' i asked bewildered.
'you know that's not what i mean and that after what we had being friends i'm afraid would be to painful,' roy replied.
'so what is that about?' i asked then.
'you are in fact absolutely awesome! you know, our kind of guy, but a girl,' he said. 'incredibly hot, attractive, sweet and sometimes girlish. but at the same time cynical, fun, light, and you understand us, men.'
'i don't understand you at all,' i confessed.
'yeah, right,' roy didn't believe me and smirked bitterly.

my mum keeps telling me i have a male mind, but absolutely girlish emotions.
anyway i'm strong enough to move on.
and i have my wonderful friends always there for me.
but every time a memory strikes me. some silly moments, amusing faces we used to make, funny situations we had in common.
every time it comes to my mind i ask myself: why?
cause the way it was before it was so much better.
why loose that?
i can let go of it, i did.
but why? why the hell?

and i know roy's thinking the same way.
i know it's hard for him not to call, not to text. not to share stuff with me and for once in a while to be unaware of what's going on around here.
i know he misses that like crazy!
because it's an integral part of our lives. we are integral parts of each other's lives. torn away.

hey there.
i love you.
and i was so much happier when you were here.
i want this myself back. happy one, smelling like you, with my lips scratched by your bristle.
hurrying home to find you here.
i wanna get the sweetest good mornings and good nights.
share our fantasies. and never be out of new ideas for sex.
and this habit to have the cell by my side and jump up excited every time it beeps pretasting an immodest or tender text or your mocking humming voice.
i miss you, roy.
i miss you so.

@темы: the US

04:33 

Roy: that's it

Всё начинается с чьей-либо мечты
we broke up.
such a graceless and painful break up.
one day before new year's.
we were talking all night long. then he left. and i couldn't even cry. i felt this devastating empiness everywhere.
i couldn't sleep. yet i couldn't do anything else.

31 of december, people are occupied with presents and congratulations, they're smiling and laughing.
all i do is drinking coffee and listening to the music - Roy's folder on my desktop.
trying to understand. to understand him as well as to understand what am i supposed to feel.
cause all i felt was nothing. nothing. nothing.
i didn't go anywhere. i didn't return friends' calls and texts.
i only talked to my mum. told her the story over the phone and finally started crying.
she took a sigh of relief and said, 'cry, cry, it should find a way out, you'd feel better. you're so naive and vulnerable, such a little girl inside, my independent daughter.'
i was crying and asking endlessly, 'why, why.'
'it was a good experience,' mum replied.
'i'll never be sorry about anything in it. it was priceless! but why end it up this way?' i kept going on.
'you always wanna get to the heart of the matter, and all i care about is actions and events. the event is what you have now. reasons? who cares?' she said.
'i do! that's unfair!'
'baby, who told you life is fair?' she had her point.

my new year eve consisted of a bottle of champagne and youtube with medvedev's speech.
i couldn't even make myself do something with all the food me and roy bought for this special occasion.
i drank the champagne and fell asleep on the couch right after midnight.
the following afternoon i woke up to see a text from roy among others.
it was formal. it started with 'mellow', but then he sticked to distant and cool tone.
i don't want anything.
i want nobody to touch me. i want music, cigarettes and to be alone.as far from everything and everybody as possible.
i literally don't feel like moving.
it's not that i'm being hysterical. or that i wanna get drunk and do something reckless with the first stranger i run into to distract myself. no.
i just don't want anything. at all.
i don't want to get over it sooner.
or make myself feel better by doing no matter what.
and i can't say i'm crying all the time or something.
none of the above.
but i'm lost.
i don't feel anything.
it's like all the processes in me including feeling and thinking were somehow slowed down to stillness.
maybe that's some sort of natural anesthesia.
but i keep thinking: people hurt.
i'm hurt. i'm a mess. completely fucked up. and feel like shit.
and i guess i just don't really believe it yet.

2010 took away two people so important to me.
my friend ilya died in april.
roy went away some 20 hours before the end of the year.
isn't that too much?

i'm on the threshold of the new year with no dead weight.
and i have nothing to do but to start it all over again right from the very beginning.
2011, you've gotta be great!!
please?

@темы: the US

18:41 

R

Всё начинается с чьей-либо мечты
i love this man.
no matter how hard i try to pretend i'm not attached, just attracted to.
i am in fact addicted.
and this closeness scares both of us from time to time.
one day i give hell to myself for caring too much, he smiles tenderly and openly and tells me not to.
another day he tries to stay away and couple of hours later comes to cuddle me in his arms and explain that this attachment is freaking scary. i tell him not to give a damn.

@темы: the US

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