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we broke up.
such a graceless and painful break up.
one day before new year's.
we were talking all night long. then he left. and i couldn't even cry. i felt this devastating empiness everywhere.
i couldn't sleep. yet i couldn't do anything else.

31 of december, people are occupied with presents and congratulations, they're smiling and laughing.
all i do is drinking coffee and listening to the music - Roy's folder on my desktop.
trying to understand. to understand him as well as to understand what am i supposed to feel.
cause all i felt was nothing. nothing. nothing.
i didn't go anywhere. i didn't return friends' calls and texts.
i only talked to my mum. told her the story over the phone and finally started crying.
she took a sigh of relief and said, 'cry, cry, it should find a way out, you'd feel better. you're so naive and vulnerable, such a little girl inside, my independent daughter.'
i was crying and asking endlessly, 'why, why.'
'it was a good experience,' mum replied.
'i'll never be sorry about anything in it. it was priceless! but why end it up this way?' i kept going on.
'you always wanna get to the heart of the matter, and all i care about is actions and events. the event is what you have now. reasons? who cares?' she said.
'i do! that's unfair!'
'baby, who told you life is fair?' she had her point.

my new year eve consisted of a bottle of champagne and youtube with medvedev's speech.
i couldn't even make myself do something with all the food me and roy bought for this special occasion.
i drank the champagne and fell asleep on the couch right after midnight.
the following afternoon i woke up to see a text from roy among others.
it was formal. it started with 'mellow', but then he sticked to distant and cool tone.
i don't want anything.
i want nobody to touch me. i want music, cigarettes and to be far from everything and everybody as possible.
i literally don't feel like moving.
it's not that i'm being hysterical. or that i wanna get drunk and do something reckless with the first stranger i run into to distract myself. no.
i just don't want anything. at all.
i don't want to get over it sooner.
or make myself feel better by doing no matter what.
and i can't say i'm crying all the time or something.
none of the above.
but i'm lost.
i don't feel anything.
it's like all the processes in me including feeling and thinking were somehow slowed down to stillness.
maybe that's some sort of natural anesthesia.
but i keep thinking: people hurt.
i'm hurt. i'm a mess. completely fucked up. and feel like shit.
and i guess i just don't really believe it yet.

2010 took away two people so important to me.
my friend ilya died in april.
roy went away some 20 hours before the end of the year.
isn't that too much?

i'm on the threshold of the new year with no dead weight.
and i have nothing to do but to start it all over again right from the very beginning.
2011, you've gotta be great!!

@темы: the US