amelfa
Всё начинается с чьей-либо мечты
a couple of weeks ago i met roy at the birthday party of one of our friends.
i knew he'd be there, came by car and wasn't drinking in contrast to him.
i left pretty soon as i planned, he catched up with me on my way to the car.
'won't you give me a ride?' he simply asked.
he was sad and extremely tired and kind of devastated.
i wanted to be there for him like crazy but that would have been totally out of wack.
'get in,' i shrugged, 'hi.'
'hi, melly,' he smiled and got in.
he was holding my hand all way long, we were talking as if nothing has happened.
i was driving with only my left hand as before.
it felt so falimiar and comfortable.
i pulled over in front of his house.
we got out to have a smoke.
he kissed me, i kissed him back.
somehow we closed the car and went to his place.
it's been one of the best nights we spent together. it was insane. it was crazy.
we couldn't catch the breathe, we couldn't speak, we took no notice of the world around.
it was an outburst, many outbursts we couldn't resist.
it was a kaleidoscope.
once one let's say act or chapter was over, we started another one right away
as if we were about to disappear the next morning and wanted to get the most out of the night we had.
at some point i mentioned going to work in the morning and said something about me leaving.
instead of replying he kissed me so fiercely it blew my mind away.
'did my intention to leave turned you on like that?' i managed to say quickly.
he just growled and we went on.
me leaving in the middle of the night was definitely off the table.
at dawn we were exhausted and not able to speak when he said unexpectedly serious, 'can i ask you a question?'
'sure.'
'what is it you found in me?' he said.
'meaning?'
'these many months ago when we met - what could you see in me? i mean, look at you and look at me. there's no way it could have worked out. what did you see in me?' roy said.
i changed a subject, he kept up the ball but then brought it up again, 'you didn't answer.'
'what did i see in you?' i gave myself a moment to keep my mind from straggling.
he nodded.
'what is so astonishing about that? yes, we're different and live different lives that might have never intersected if not for us being together and making it work. but i was happy with you. happier than - than - probably ever before. and when the present is so incredible do you really have to seek for hidden meanings, make plans and think of consequences? i didn't. and i felt good.'
he was pensive.
'once we have this conversation. what i wanna know is - what has changed?' i couldn't help it, i had to ask. 'there was so much of you all over, you were everywhere, in what i think, in what i do, in what i see and say. and then you were gone. switched off. why?'
he hesitated.
we were lying silently for a few minutes, i was waiting and knew he's thinking of my question, not going to pass off.
then he said silently, 'the deuce knows'.
'can we forward the questing to the deuce? i really wanna know,' i said.
he smiled and touched my hair with his nose, 'i don't know. it got too much to handle. don't torture me, please.'
'what i never wanted was to torture you,' i replied honestly, 'remember the first rule? 'i'm here to make you feel better, never worse'?'
he smiled again, sadly this time, 'that's the way it's always been, you know it.'

this week o was coming back from a business lunch when i saw him with another girl on the street.
it's not that they were kissing or holding hands or something.
but it hurt.
i knew he saw me but pretended he didn't.
i walked by.
and got a call from him in some 3 minutes, 'hey there, how have you been?'
it's only been a few times we called each other over the past months, neother it was for nothing now.
'what was that?' i've decided not to play games.
'you saw?'
'yeah.'
'i'll meet you in the coffee house over the corner in 5 minutes. please don't go away,' roy asked.
i was smoking in front of the coffee house when he appeared in front of me.
we were talking about work and friends and stuff, i was looking away.
'please make your hands stop trembling,' roy asked ovwewarmingly, 'mine aren't,' he showed me his hand.
'happy for you. i can't help it,' i grizzled.
'this is not what you think. i promise.'
i didn't answer, then he went on, 'let's go, should we?'
'go,' i only said trying to calm down.
'i won't. i wanna go together with you,' he said steadily, 'stop smoking. shall we?'
'go,' i repeated.
'no,' he simply said.
he walked me to the office diligently trying to make a small talk and telling stories, i hardly responded.
he called me in a couple of days asking if i was okay which is not what he's ever been doing lately.
i was keeping it distant and unusually reserved.
'please stop doing that, i can't stop thinking about it, i feel so bad,' roy said.
'oh, do you?' i smirked.
'okay. her name is caroline, she's my friend's sister, engaged and pregnant, i was just showing her around,' he said angrily.
'don't talk to me like this! it feels like i'm being slapped!' i answered back.
'cause there's nothing to discuss! and you're still on it, not letting go of it, bringing it on and on to me not listening to what i say,' roy said.
'you never explained!' i bursted out.
'you never asked! even now you didn't! i explained myself,' he said more softly.
'then why are you explaining? i asked nothing. we're off. for quite a long time by now,' i said.
'i just did. i couldn't leave it this way,' roy said.

it is not easy.
probably the most difficult break up i've ever had.
even the divorce seems easier now.


in a week i'm going to venice.
with my green ipod.
and dozens, thousands of plans for my brand new life.
starting there.

@темы: the US