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after that conversation we sort of started communicating.
not dating, not at all.
but i had presented him whiskey he won
and after that we started texting or calling each other from time to time.
talking about nothing in particularly and laughing a lot.
we visited the same friends and were talking at parties.
we even had a coffee break one day. 20 minutes in a crowded place - wow.
on the one hand i was afraid of us talking normally
cause i hate the idea of our passing traling away.
on the other hand after these short, really short (we keep a distance) conversations
i was smiling.

except for one thing.
since i've started avoiding places where we can meet i saw him more often.
with girls as well.
not holding hands, not kissing, nothing.
but every time after i had seen him with a girl i was dying to get an answer: who the hell was her?
frankly speaking i wanted to hear: it's nothing, she's just a colleague and oh yeah really dull and boring.
it would even be better if she was deeply married or/and pregnant with her third child
so he was just helping her with heavy bags cause he's a gentleman.
i was jealous like crazy.
at the same time i knew he owes me nothing.
he doesn't belong to me.
he can date whoever he wants.
and he have absolutely no reason to keep me informed.
so every time i bit my lip and said nothing.
but last night it got out of wack.
i was going home from the office
and saw his car parked in front of the park he used to hand out in.
and a part of me was eager to pull over and see who is he there with.
and yeah, sober-minded and prudent part of me was telling:
hey, girl, the guy had just said he loved you,
there's nobody he can be there with.
you know him. you know him better than anyone.
but another part wanted to know what was he doing there and
whether he wasn't alone.
and i hated myself for that!!
this is not me!!
i'm not tracking anyone!!
i'm not being jealous!!
this is not me!!
i respect myself too much to humble myself with even a thought like that!

and when he called me afterwards, i burst out, 'roy, i can't do this.'
'meaning?' he tightened.
'i misknow myself. this is not me!! i'm freaking out!! i'm so gosh jealous! today i wanted to pull over and see whom you were in our park with!' i admitted.
'i was..' he started unwillingly.
'i don't wanna know!! no! i'm dying to know! but don't say anything! this is not right!! this is not me!! every time you're somewhere near me it's getting on my nerves! and this is not me! i don't act like that! i don't know who this crazy girl willing to follow you everywhere is! and i hate her! i loathe and pity her! this is so pathetic!' i was saying.
he sighed, 'so what do you mean by that?'
'i'd ask you to stop,' i pronounced uneasily. 'your presence in my life is priceless, i missed that so and it's like a fresh air i can't get enough of, i want more of it so badly. but in the frame of us now it's not enough. i wish i could handle it and have you back at least like that. but i can't. and i don't wanna be that girl who i am now. this is really not me. i don't wanna be her. and i don't wanna you to know this jealous diffident hysterical suspisious and winding herself up foolish bitch.' i was being hyper. 'we've gotta stop.'
'you sure?' roy asked simply.
'no,' i answered quickly but corrected myself, 'yes - for now, that's for the best.'
'i don't wanna do that,' roy replied. 'i love having you back. but let's try.'
'you've done that once already,' i snarled.
'what? when?'
'erased me from your life,' i replied.
'ouch,' he reacted on the barb and went on, 'i never succeeded though.'
we were silent. i was afraid of breaking the silence.
'okay,' roy said slowly, 'i guess. take care?'
'yeah. you too.'

i don't know what i have done.

@темы: the US