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amelfa
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'my colleague matt is inviting me to portugal for a vacation,' i told roy recently, 'but you'd kill me for that, wouldn't you?'
'i wouldn't, why,' he replied.
'you wouldn't? really? and you wouldn't make my life a hell afterwards? wouldn't remind me of it every now and then?!'
'dunno yet.. maybe i would,' he said then.
'that's it. that's why ocean and sun are great but when i think of what it can cause me it becomes not an option,' i nodded.
'you're kidding me, right? don't you dare think of me in this case. do as you think fit. you need a rest,' roy was firm.
'i'm not kidding,' i simply smiled.
'i've already said everything,'' roy shut it off.

gosh. gosh.
it's been so long since we were together.
and last few days have been so dreadfully painful.
so bittersweet. so bitter. but so gosh sweet.

my dearest dearest dearest r.
if only. if only..
in other circumstances? another time?
no. i'll never regret a single detail of it.
but if only we could be together.
i'd be the happiest person in the entire world.
honestly.


alisson asked me what i thought of the whole thing and what i was gonna do about it.
i answered, 'nothing i guess. i think i should go to portugal with matt. and think that maybe in some 10 years we'd meet somewhere occasionally. we'd find out that he'd married a good jewish girl with curls and already got divorced. i'd marry a nice guy and would also get divorced already. and then we'll see. as for now - nothing.'
'nop,' alisson said firmly. 'that's the most destructive thought to think. nop nop nop. don't!'
i smiled sadly, 'nothing can happen now. so for now i've gotta move on? but who knows what will happen after? long after.'
'that's true,' she agreed, 'but you have to move on without thinking that. don't think 10 years from now. think now. cause you can't marry someone thinking that it's just a step to get closer to the meeting point with roy.'
'i want us to have a chance. someday. we should have this chance. we have to. i can't make it final. i can't, i won't accept the thought that there's no way we'll be together. we can make mistakes but i need this chance no matter what. i want us to have it so freaking badly,' i blurted out.
'i know, hon,' alisson hugged me, 'i know.'
'i love him. and it's so messed up. fucked up. screwed. but so amazing,' i admitted.
'yeah,' alisson smiled with me, 'yes, it is amazing.'


it's been like three days since i'm listening to mozart. and am about to cry.

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