that’s just perfect. we're off.
roy called me in the afternoon and sounded exhausted and bewildered, said he was in a lather.
so i came over to his office at the end of his working day, with coffee the way he likes it, donuts and bagels from dunkin’ donuts and a laptop he gave me cause my died recently – planning on having a quiet hang-loose night including his work, my studying and more.
and it was all so fine! his face softened the moment he saw me there standing at the entrance, he shook his head in disbelief and headed towards me grinning wickedly.
we had a junk-food dinner at his place. then he kept calling everyone discussing some business, i couldn’t keep up so was simply doing my own scientific research.
late at night he finally gave up, put his cell away and came to kneel down right next to me lying on his couch.
‘i hate not being with you when you’re around. and i hate my work unfinished being on plate. and it tears me to pieces.’ his expression was wistful but he was smiling at me gently, ‘no solution adequate for all intents and purposes, not at all. that’s irritating.’
‘hey, hustler, switch over – now’, i encouraged him cause i knew perfectly well what he meant so i knew i had to distract him, ‘to me. work – off, girlfriend – on. command accepted?’
he grinned, ‘mm, a restart is required’.
‘i think we can handle it’.
‘handle it, then’, he prompted, his faint smile mocking.
and it was amazing. so amazing that apparently we overslept and the morning came in a blur.
roy was speaking on the phone in a rush and trying to grasp something in his documents while cleaning his teeth. he was being crabby but tried to keep it down.
he’s already been late for a briefing, so i refused him give me a ride and promised to figure something out on my own. and since i’ve already been late for my class, the decision was pretty easy to make – i was to ditch till lunch.
while i was watching amazing dull breakfast tv shows roy called to inform that his workfellow needs an access to some stuff on my laptop. it would only take a few hours, i’ll get it back by the evening, but the good news was that it was urgently needed so this fellow was on his way and promised to give me a ride to MIT. okay, no prob.
it hardly ever happens with me but i took an instant dislike to this woman – yes, the fellow turned out to be a woman. she gave me a ride, carried the laptop and even held the doors for me but there was something repulsive about shivani i couldn’t put a finger on. it’s not a big deal, i thought to myself, whatsoever.
roy called me a couple of hours later asking if i’d deleted anything on the laptop or set passwords to any folders. obviously my answer was a downright no. he hummed deliberating for a while, then mumbled something about the evening and hung up.
i was waiting for roy at my place, but he didn’t show up at 7 p.m. so i waited assuming that he’s really busy. but he didn’t show up after 30 more minutes and didn’t bother to call.
i called then.
‘i’m busy right now, but i’ve got to talk to you - will get back to you when i’m done here,’ he whipped out.
that was weird. that was really weird. and in a very bad way.
the crappy part was i couldn’t thing of a single reason for him to be angry with me. cause we overslept? so it’d be like: i’m angry with you cause we overslept cause we had a hell of a night during which he had sex not once but twice after you came to my office with my favorite food to cheer me up? okay, forget about the food. but anyway: would a normal guy ever say or even thing anything of that sort? hell, no!
it made me completely restless. i can’t stand the looseness, literally, especially in relationship.
i was worrying, trying to think of something, replaying the night over and over again trying to think it all out. it was a waste.
he knocked on my door at 9 p.m. or so.
and announced that i had deleted some vital business documentary and set a password on the rest of it. it didn’t make sense! at all! it was an insanity.
it was a statement, not a question the way he put it. he looked at me with watchful eyes but his face was a carefully composed mask and he was accusing me of doing something so stupid i couldn’t believe i really heard it. i couldn’t believe these words came from his mouth, mouth i kissed him on last night fiercely.
‘i didn’t,’ i finally said in a faint voice.
‘didn’t you?,’ he smirked bitterly, ‘so that would be me who set a password – quote - russia’.
i was trying to grasp any of it but I couldn’t.
meanwhile he went on, ‘our IT-team is good, they’ve dealt with it – long after’.
‘and the password was russia?’, i wanted to get it straight.
‘you tell me’, he pressed his lips together, starring at me through narrowed eyes.
‘i didn’t do it. roy, seriously, i didn’t – why would i do it – to you? why would I do it at all?’, i tried to compose myself.
‘i don’t know why. i couldn’t let in a thought, not until i saw the password my guys have been working on’, he looked at me incredulously.
‘roy, i promise, i didn’t. i wouldn’t have done anything like that to you – to anybody, but especially to you. come on, give it a second thought,’ i wasn’t thinking of what i was saying.
‘i did, trust me, a second, a third and many more thoughts,’ he said drily. ‘did you really think it’d be fun? a nice joke, a prank? or what, a revenge for me being busy the other night? i’m sorry, i have to work, you know, to afford a car, an apartment – to buy stuff. i’m really sorry to bother you with the truth, don’t wanna bust your bubble here, but that’s what they call reality. not playing games that cause troubles to dozens of people who have other things to do, i’m not even talking about playing me for a fool in front of my staff. what was that, ammie, what the hell was that?’, now i finally saw the fury he was trying to control in the beginning.
and burst out.
‘ss that really what you think of me? a psycho in a playpen, unaware of what life is and seeing the only point in sneaking the close ones? getting you into trouble? so stupid and uninventive that i couldn’t think of a better password not to be caught? and at the same time insidious enough to sidetrack you with all the food and nice stuff? and so bitchy, so stern that i’d have sex with you afterwards – to celebrate the success and make fun of you? is that the way you see me?’, i was trying to suppress my tears and stop shivering.
‘i don’t know you,’ he blurted out shortly.
‘that’s it,’ i exhaled, ‘turns out you don’t.’
he was silent. i couldn’t stand watching him staying there, I felt like shit and my self-control was exceeding its' limits.
‘you know what, get out,’ i said, and now he looked puzzled.
‘so you admit it?’ he asked, confused expression froze in place.
‘i admit that i wanna have nothing to do with anybody, fucking me and yet considering me nothing, implicitly believing anybody, every stranger, but not me,’ i was shaking. ‘get out, just get out!’
i pushed him out and closed the door behind.
i've never told anyone 'get out'. i always tried to explain, to explain myself. to work things out.
but that was to much. it was completely over the top.
for me a relationship means more than sex, it implies trust. and i was absolutely positive that it works the same way for him.
turns out i was dating a stranger as well. perfect.