i'm awefully tired. i'm fuckin exhausted. and that's just an understatement.
i've probably gotten too far in this hard working approach over past week.
i slept for 13 hours straight and yet i'm yawny and starved of sleep.
i'm eating pomelos with a spoon and try to concentrate on my work but it doesn't really work.

and yeah, listening to 'remember me' soundtrack.
the nickel dropped later with the movie. it never let go of me.
wanna turn off the lights, leave my cell in the other room and see it again.
but it's not available yet in a good quality on the internet, nor in stores.

dang, i'm sleepy. i'm really sleepy.


ps
a waggish observation on leroy.
i didn't write so many posts in here while we were dating.
that should have counted for something, huh?
apparently he did find his way and swayed my mind. did hook me.


and some news i got a couple of days ago.
alexander is sick there in st petersburg.
the illness is not dangerous but a nasty one.
i'm bewildered. and feel so weird.
a part of me is dying to call and do everything to make him feel better. to know everything about his disease. to knock off all the rest.
but it's more of a habit than a real response to the information i got.
at the same time the other part of me - doesn't feel the way it's expected to feel. it feels like i'm not so attached as i seemed to be.
yes, i do care and of course hope he'll get better as soon as possible. but that's it, isn't it?
and that second part is dominant, it's prevealing.
besides it doesn't feel like it's a protetive response, self-defence directed not to harrow feelings.
but i really feel like it's far away.
yeah, i finally got the right explanation: it's far away.
and i'm right here and right now.

i'd given him a call but his cell had been switched off and i gave up the thought
and sent him an e-mail instead telling to feel free to address me in case he might need anything.
not a call, not even a text, something less personal and significant.
and called a friend if him, a nice and young girl named jenia asking to take a good but very unostentatious care of him - something i would have never done before.
she fought against a serious disease for more than a year and knows better than anybody else how does it feel.
she should be sensitive and thoughful enough to treat him in the best way.

don't wanna draw conclusions, but about one thing i'm absolutely positive:
all of this is very revealing and meaningful.