leroy is by my side.
he moved in with me after i came back from russia.
he didn't ask, neither did he make a big deal out of it.
he just stayed one night and never left afterwards.
he was listening to my stories about ilya, he was all ears.
and i needed to tell somebody so much. he listened to all of it, hours after hours.
i had to be strong to support people there in russia.
but i was a mess, a disaster here. and he was the one who had to endure and see me like that.
and he's been there for me. nevertheless. against all the odds and our complications and omissions in the past.
he bought me sleeping pills, once mentioned an idea to see a psychologist, but never insisted.
he helped me with studying, didn't let me give it all up.
at the same time he kept me busy with his business once he saw me doing nothing.
and every time i started crying while sleeping he held me so tight, cradled me in his arms.
and yesterday when that happened again kissed and snogged me.
so fervently like i'm all he has, like i'm the middle of his universe.
i could feel him tightening in response to my tears and i could feel my pain echoing in him.
his attempts to take more of my grief, absorb it by holding me closer was so much.
and this feeling was so overwhelming that all the rest fell into the shade.
he is much more than what i've ever expected him to be.
i'm going to a scientific conference this tue.
and then i hope i'll find a couple of days to run away somewhere.
no matter where.
to a place with no associations and thoughts.
at least for a couple of days.
to breathe.