i'm so confused. and so in the middle.
if only i could i'd speak to my friend ilya.
i'd laugh and he'd feel that i'm serious.
he'd also laugh but in his jokes there would be a meaning i'm looking for.
and now he's in a place that's better than ours, that's for sure.
cause people like him - although they do not exist, he's one of a kind.
anyway, he's in a way better place, that's the only possible way.
i wouldn't say outcome, cause it's just one more turn for him.
now i can't write him a long letter.
and he can't answer me with an even longer one.
but i can feel him.
he's not gone. he's with us, with me forever.
he's left us his universe, endless and ever lasting,
full of music, phrases and situations, books and sensations.
and he can hear me. and can feel me.
and now he's upset with me crying while writing this.
he's shaking his head in disapproval.
so i stop.
cause i like to please him. and to deserve his pleased smile.
and no matter what i really feel his presence.
when i'm lost he's encouraging me.
he's like, 'hey, you can do this! i just know you do, i don't need any proof, and neither do you. just go for it, i believe in you!'
and now and then when i think what to do i think to myself, 'he'd be proud of me if i did that.'
and that's a determinative.
ilya, i just miss you so much.
and i'd have to live with this painful feeling forever.
but i'm so happy i got to know you, so lucky to have you.
but God i miss you.
my dear friend, i miss you so.
everything you've ever said and done is now full of special meaning.
and for some reason i have a feeling that's not a coincidence.
you've always known more than any of us, haven't you?
yes, you have.
your father told us about the day you had died.
he asked you about the time you'd be back home.
i don't wanna translate your words into english.
so your father asked you, 'ti segodnya budesh pozdno?'.
and you simply said, 'ya budu.'
budesh. vsegda budesh.
and here's one of songs you like
(no past tenses, only present)
and no dots
Moto boy - A room without you.
The time has come and gone
I am your daughters son
I'm in a room without you
I miss everything we had
This river run so deep into the sea it weep
I'm in a room without you
now that the end is over
I see your kindness in my mothers eyes
and when I walk these stones I know
I hear the sound of your feet
The time has come an end
our days are ment to spend
I'm in a room without you
now that your love is in me