my family is a mess.
there in canada. my parents are having a crashy difficult time.
my dad says he's not satisfied with what he gets out of work there in canada. he's willing to go back.
while my mum enjoys every moment of their life despite all the financial difficulties they're going through right now. she wants to stay.
they keep fighting.
and every time i call them and hear them accusing each other it's fuckin ferocious.
that's not the way it has to be. that's not the perfect family i knew and am used to.
maybe we should all just get back together in russia to make it work.
although i doubt that doing something people don't really wanna do can make things better.
i totally understand momma's willingness ro stay.
and i understand my dad's ambitions.
and i wish i could help them. i wish i could.
i so damn fuck wish i could do something.
but i'm a distaster myself.
yet no car. a rented apartment.
and what i do now can't even be called a job, it's even less than a side job.
i have no money and no promising incomes in near-term perspective.
i dunno what to do next.
i'm not sure whether i'd manage to get the prolonged scholarship here.
i'd bust my ass to do it. but it doesn't solely depend on me.
if i don't then what? back to russia to nothing there waiting for me?
and what if i do? am i bent on being a longlife student?
but that's not what people see me.
i'm doing stuff, i'm smiling, i keep distracting myself and let me tell you i'm a hell good at it.
i don't wanna cause trouble for anyone. i don't wanna make anyone's life harder.
i don't wanna cause any conflicts.
so i just pretend like i'm fine even when i'm not
it's like a habit i guess but i'm tired of it. i'm tired of always being the good girl.
i'm tired of feeling like a phony.
and here's leroy.
an amazing guy, hot, caring, sarcastic, strong.
and i'm on my toes, i'm trying to reach after him, cause he's so succesful, he's mature, he's so self-determined.
he knows what he's doing and he's doing it.
and i'm like floating and looking around to see where would it lead me to cause i don't know while i'm moving.
and his family is sort of perfect intellectual one, at least from what i hear.
he hears pretty much the same from me cause that's what i'm used to.
and it's knocking me down to think that it might not be the same any more.
i'm i feel like i'm in the middle of nowhere.
cause my basement's moved and it's not the way it was supposed to be.
the basement should be steady. so am i supposed to be standing at it.
and when i'm talking to leroy it that true what i'm saying?
cause i don't feel like myself.
i don't know what i am.
i'm not sure of it.
and i wanna know.
and wanna be honest with him cause i really like leroy.
but at the same time i feel the urgent need to correspond, to answer, to match.
and since i don't know what i really am it gets difficult.
and i hate these thoughts cause about one thing i'm absolutely positive:
there's no way to make it work when it starts with talking round corners.
screw it all!!
and all i want now is to get drunk.
and i know someone who'd help me out to perform this mission tonight.
jared.