Всё начинается с чьей-либо мечты
roy came over last weekend.
out of blue he was on the threshold. almost with no words, or at least i don't remember any of it.
he was concentrated, grabbed me and kissed.
in this fierce kiss, biting each other, me scratching his back we fell on the couch and had sex.
after all these months.
and it wasn't like getting back together, i knew that.
i wasn't cherishing any hopes. neither did he.
but i didn't feel guilty either.
we were lying on the couch afterwards, looking away, him slightly stroking my shoulder with his fingertips, me touching his chest with my nose.
'do you?' he asked.
'yes. you?' i asked in return.
'mellow, course i do. why do you think i'd come here if i didn't miss you? i think of you every fucking day.' roy replied.
i swallowed my endless why's. didn't day a word.
then he kinda answered himself, 'you know, looking back i realize you were all i could think of. how come they didn't get me fired?'.
'but now it's okay, you're working a lot, i heard you got a promotion.' i said.
'yeah, now it's all right. with all the trimmings,' he said.
we were talking about everything in the world as if nothing had happened.
at some point i ended a sentence this way, 'that's really frustrating - the technologies make you feel needless, unwanted'.
'mel, the way you are you'll be needed always and everywhere. as opposed to me,' roy smiled.
'how formal,' i always shiver when he calls me mel or some other way different from tender and sweet names we have in hand.
'true though,' he replied simply.
then he asked if i had someone over past months that we're not together.
'what do you think?' i asked him in turn.
'well, as a matter of fact i think you had no one,' roy gave me a guestioning look.
'i did have no one,' i confessed.
'just like me,' he nodded and went on, 'however i don't think that would be a problem for you to have a meaningless sex with somebody. nothing serious, just attraction, huh?'
that was harsh and bitter.
however i know him better that that and understand that wasn't a way to hurt me,
that was an arrogant way to wrestle against his fears ans speculations.
he wanted to look cool and indifferent, but he needed to spell out his fears, he needed an official contradiction.
and i had no wish to hurt him by snaping back.
by not saying the truth that that's purely my problem but there's nobody i sleep with -
cause there's nobody i wanna sleep with
except for him.
'you think i'm cooler than what i really am,' i signed, 'and in fact i'm better than what you think of me.'
'there's nobody i think so highly of as i do of you,' roy said silently.
'i know,' i nodded, 'but i'm better than that.'
i miss him.
being with him or even thinking of him makes me feel so warm. tender. calm. peaceful.
it makes me smile.
and i can't even be mad at him.
only in play.
out of blue he was on the threshold. almost with no words, or at least i don't remember any of it.
he was concentrated, grabbed me and kissed.
in this fierce kiss, biting each other, me scratching his back we fell on the couch and had sex.
after all these months.
and it wasn't like getting back together, i knew that.
i wasn't cherishing any hopes. neither did he.
but i didn't feel guilty either.
we were lying on the couch afterwards, looking away, him slightly stroking my shoulder with his fingertips, me touching his chest with my nose.
'do you?' he asked.
'yes. you?' i asked in return.
'mellow, course i do. why do you think i'd come here if i didn't miss you? i think of you every fucking day.' roy replied.
i swallowed my endless why's. didn't day a word.
then he kinda answered himself, 'you know, looking back i realize you were all i could think of. how come they didn't get me fired?'.
'but now it's okay, you're working a lot, i heard you got a promotion.' i said.
'yeah, now it's all right. with all the trimmings,' he said.
we were talking about everything in the world as if nothing had happened.
at some point i ended a sentence this way, 'that's really frustrating - the technologies make you feel needless, unwanted'.
'mel, the way you are you'll be needed always and everywhere. as opposed to me,' roy smiled.
'how formal,' i always shiver when he calls me mel or some other way different from tender and sweet names we have in hand.
'true though,' he replied simply.
then he asked if i had someone over past months that we're not together.
'what do you think?' i asked him in turn.
'well, as a matter of fact i think you had no one,' roy gave me a guestioning look.
'i did have no one,' i confessed.
'just like me,' he nodded and went on, 'however i don't think that would be a problem for you to have a meaningless sex with somebody. nothing serious, just attraction, huh?'
that was harsh and bitter.
however i know him better that that and understand that wasn't a way to hurt me,
that was an arrogant way to wrestle against his fears ans speculations.
he wanted to look cool and indifferent, but he needed to spell out his fears, he needed an official contradiction.
and i had no wish to hurt him by snaping back.
by not saying the truth that that's purely my problem but there's nobody i sleep with -
cause there's nobody i wanna sleep with
except for him.
'you think i'm cooler than what i really am,' i signed, 'and in fact i'm better than what you think of me.'
'there's nobody i think so highly of as i do of you,' roy said silently.
'i know,' i nodded, 'but i'm better than that.'
i miss him.
being with him or even thinking of him makes me feel so warm. tender. calm. peaceful.
it makes me smile.
and i can't even be mad at him.
only in play.
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04.04.2011 в 10:36-
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30.04.2011 в 02:53