lol

jared comes over, sees me with a bottle of wine and asks, 'what's up, neighbour?'.
'nobody loves me', i reply.
'why do you call alexander a nobody?', he askes then.
i laugh and he goes on asking, 'how come a naive little girl finds enough room in a teeny tiny busy bee?'.
and life gets better.
i'm so fortunate in having these people around me.

@темы: the US

---

few lines

going home.
bur before i go - just one poem i found.

ЛЮБОВЬ

Я дважды пробуждался этой ночью
и брел к окну, и фонари в окне,
обрывок фразы, сказанной во сне,
сводя на нет, подобно многоточью,
не приносили утешенья мне.

Ты снилась мне беременной, и вот,
проживши столько лет с тобой в разлуке,
я чувствовал вину свою, и руки,
ощупывая с радостью живот,
на практике нашаривали брюки
и выключатель. И бредя к окну,
я знал, что оставлял тебя одну
там, в темноте, во сне, где терпеливо
ждала ты, и не ставила в вину,
когда я возвращался, перерыва
умышленного. Ибо в темноте —
там длится то, что сорвалось при свете.
Мы там женаты, венчаны, мы те
двуспинные чудовища, и дети
лишь оправданье нашей наготе.
В какую-нибудь будущую ночь
ты вновь придешь усталая, худая,
и я увижу сына или дочь,
еще никак не названных,— тогда я
не дернусь к выключателю и прочь
руки не протяну уже, не вправе
оставить вас в том царствии теней,
безмолвных, перед изгородью дней,
впадающих в зависимость от яви,
с моей недосягаемостью в ней.

(c) joseph. brodsky of course.

@темы: the US

---

shitty

human beings are the weirdest creatures.

with animals a family, a tribe consists of those only who protect you and who will never fight against you.
you'll never be hurt by one of its' members.
except for male's struggles for survival, females or territories. but it's all about instincts, it's not perceived.
and except for that these are the ones who will support you no matter what,
ones you can rely on.
ones you can turn your back on without a single doubt.
ones you'll never be betrayed or dumped by.

and with people it's quite the opposite.
your dearest and closest ones are these who can get to you and who hurt you the most.
and vice versa.
how do we do that?
why isn't it in contravention of our nature?
we were not created to do so.
that's not the way it was assumed to be.
how did we get here? how did we overstep the initial idea?

oh jeez.
i miss him frantically, insanely.
and the awareness of the fact that he won't talk to me drives me crazy.

after i finish my study here in the library i'll go to the alcohol store and buy myself a bottle of fine white wine for the evening.
my cheeks will turn red. and i won't feel so involved at least for some time.

@музыка: avril lavigne - how doest it feel

@темы: the US

---

silly

we're so independent, so self-existent, so i'm-on-my-own-ish.
we keep sweating our guts out to prove it.
to make sure we can do it all, without anybody on our side.
with a high head, with no straggling we stick to business,
we keep our eye on the big picture, we look to the future, we look forward.
not backwards, not away.
but at some point we stop. to take a breath for instance.
and we look from side to side.
and we see how far we've gone, how many steps towards the main goal we've taken.
but we do not look satisfied, nuh-uh.
we keep looking in an awkward manner from side to sie with a confusion in our eyes,
we're utterly and completely dismayed.
and all our appearance is crying out: love me, miss me, rescue me from this path.
it's not even about the path, we don't think about it at the moment.
it's about screaming:
love me love me love me miss me miss me love me love me love me love me love me miss me love me love me need me love me love me love me.
and it's not that you're asking for it, no.
you're independent, etc.
it's out-of-control, it's nonverbal, beyond description and awareness.
it's deeper than underconsciousness.
it's our body, your everything. without our intention.
it's what we all need beyond all the routine and all these estimable ambitions.
desperate 'love me love me love me love me'.
that's what we raven for. beyond all.
and all our independence somewhat is just a stupid way to prove that we're worth it.
to keep repeating 'love me love me' afterwards.

i'm strong.
but there's one thought buzzing in my head:
when will you start missing me finally?!
when when when the hell will you miss me ferociously?

i do.

@темы: the US

---

good morning

good morning or amelfa idling after she overslept and hence skipped her morning class.

1. Полюбить жизнь. +
2. Не спать всю ночь. + happens all the time
3. Съездить на море. + regularly
4. От избытка чувств обнять человека. + it happens
5. Убегать от огромной собаки.
6. Вырастить кактус. + as far as I remember I had two.
7. Купить мр3 плеер. /listening to my fellow’s lately/
8. Завести двух кошек. /a dog actually/
9. Гулять во вьюгу. + everybody who lived in Moscow did that.
10. Выиграть в гляделки. +
11. Потерять друга. +
12. Познакомиться и подружиться с человеком, родившимся в тот же день, что и я. + haha. much more than just to meet.
13. Гулять без зонта под дождём. + every time
14. Гулять в одиночестве. +
15. Погладить тигра.
16. С разбегу вбежать в воду. + love that
17. Полюбить закат. + with a smoke
18. Пробыть в одиночестве несколько дней. + crappy idea
19. Напиться. + hell yeah
20. Разбить окно
21. Оскорбить человека. + we all tend to
22. Кататься на роликах весь день. + oh, childhood!
23. Прыгнуть с парашютом.
24. Говорить с девушкой(парнем) весь день +
25. Пожить вместе с любимым человеком. +
26. Пришить свой палец к кофте.
27. Упасть в глубокую яму.
28. Сильно испугаться. +
29. Подарить что-то ценное кому-нибудь. +
30. Проболтать по телефону несколько часов. +
31. Полюбить. +
32. Разлюбить. + not completely though. it transforms but is still inside of you.
33. Возненавидеть. /seems like I don’t know how to do that/
34. Заблудиться в лесу +
35. Залезть в ледяной фонтан и долго в нём брызгаться. /not an icy one/
36. Спать в палатке. +
37. Проехать на поезде семь суток.
38. Полетать на самолёте. + many times
39. Разбить посуду. +
40. Быть в хорошем настроении днём 1 января. +
41. Убить комара, напившегося крови. + everybody did that.
42. Подержать в ладонях живую бабочку. +
43. Уснуть под любимую музыку. + on a regular basis – Alexander’s habit.
44. Съесть картошку, запеченную в костре. +
45. Провести весь день на солнце. +
46. Искать на звездном небе яркие звёзды и созвездия. +
47. Забыть о чём-то очень важном. +
48. Переписываться sms-ками полночи. + why only a half?!
49. Потратить последний инет на чтение дневников.
50. Спеть караоке. + not a real karaoke though
51. Съесть в одиночку шоколадку. + I often do that
52. Целый день читать. +
53. Улыбнуться сквозь слёзы. +
54. Пять раз посмотреть от начала до конца один фильм. + even more
55. Сказать человеку в глаза, что "пора прекратить общение". Mm.. probably I don’t know how to do that either.
56. До боли хлопать в ладоши. +
57. Танцевать до изнеможения. +
58. Бросить курить. Never wanted to.
59. Поцеловать фотографию. +
60. Построить замок из песка. + when I was a young girl I used to lalalah.
61. Не спать ночью во время грозы. + and making love to Alexander.
62. Возненавидеть себя, а потом полюбить снова.
63. Заметить в фильме глупую ошибку. +
64. Залезть на дерево. + I loved that!!
65. Полюбить то, что больше всего ненавидел. Can’t hate, but loved something I’d disliked at first.
66. Кардинально изменить свою жизнь. + again and again.
67. Найти любимую профессию. Mm.. not sure about that.
68. Выиграть в споре. +
69. Объесться до тошноты клубникой
70. Включить на очень большую громкость музыку и слушать с наслаждением. + during clean-ups
71. Разочароваться в людях +
72. Снова в них поверить +
73. Целоваться до полного изнеможения и потери чувствительности губ + oh dear God!
74. Встретить рассвет на пляже +
75. Увидеть звездопад +
76. Побывать в другом полушарии + I am at the moment.
77. Научить человека любить + in a way.
78. Искупаться в Москве-реке
79. Встретиться в океане с акулой
80. Простить предательство
81. Пронырнуть бассеин +
82. Заработать свою первую 1000$ +

@темы: the US

---

what a glorious world it could be(c)

we've got a tornado warning here.
and are said to stay calm and cool.

@темы: the US

---

morning

jared comes in in the morning saying, 'morning, my busy, busy, always so gosh busy girl'.
'do you know how they call it in russia?', i ask drowsily.
'how do they call what in russia? morning?', jared wondered.
'oh, come on! course a 'morning' in russian is too hard to spell and learn for me to think that you know it', i replied.
'you're such a tease, amelfa!', he said with a wince.
i winced in return and he gave up and asked, 'so what did you ask about?'.
'do you know how they call somebody absurdly busy in russia?', i asked.
'nope. this word is probably too hard for me to learn as well', he winced again.
'you said that yourself. but in a word-for-word translation it's a busy sausage', i answered.
'why sausage?', he looked surprised.
'why busy bee?', it was my turn to ask.
'cause bee is busy!'.
'reasonable', i had to admit. 'well, i don't know why. cause it's fun. can you imagine a busy sausage? it's silly, therefore very metaphoric, figural'.
'and how do you say it in russian?', he asked.
'de-low-why-ah call-ba-sa', i spelled it.
jared whispered it a few times under breath then gave a wave of his hand and smiled,
'nah, that's really tricky! but you're a busy sausage from now on!'.
he meant it.

@темы: the US

---

Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels - 2

yeah, almost forgot.
i was invited for a friday night poker again which made me feel soooo gosh good.
but their buy-in now costs 100$. and i simply can't afford it at the moment.
and gambling is not something where all this being nice and girlish stuff counts.
it's whether you play on equal terms or you're out. nothing in between.

so enough of sniveling.
i have to work.

and there's something alse i'd wanted to tell but forgot.

oh, right.
it's so much better to speak english! by comparison with russian.
it feels so easy, so comfortable, you feel being free, not locked in all this extentional pathos and tight words.
i like it. i really do.

@темы: the US

---

Lock, Stock & Two Smoking Barrels

texted jared asking for a smoke.
'wassup, girlie', he came in saying the moment i opened the door.
'soon enough i'd have to make you a second key of my apartment', i admitted.
'yippi, i've almost insinuated myself into your confidence', he smiled, 'and soon i'd come to burglarize you'.
'considering all the cigarettes and my lack of money your goal won't be too profitable, let me tell you', i answered.
'yeah, well', he nodded, 'but you're fuckin' ambitious. once all this will pay off'.
'so friendship is something supposed to pay off at the end?', i wondered.
'sure. there's always gonna be a reward. and since we've kinda decided that sex is not gonna happen..', he started.
'when have we decided that?', i laughed.
'oh, so we still have to work on it?', he replied immediately.
i laughed louder and he repeated with a smile, 'so what's up, mel?'.
i told him about the whole row thing with alexander.
'that sucks', he just said.
'thank you, i know'.
'know what you need? a sob story!', he said with confidence.
'what? a sob story? i thought i'd just told you one'.
'nah, a real sob story! that is to say a hollywood one! something very sobby and very unreal would make you feel back to earth', he said.
'really?', i asked incredulously.
'have you ever seen 'eternal sunshine of the spotless mind' for one thing?', he asked.
'nope'.
'gimme a five!', said jared and was gone.

we just watched the movie.
it wasn't that good.
but in fact i do feel better.

@темы: the US

---

glorious

just had a row with Alexander!
excellent!
we haven't been talking to each other in weeks!!
and the moment we kinda got together on the phone we had the silliest ever fight.
perfect.
bravo!
i feel awful when i'm at loggerheads with anybody.
and being at swords' points with alexander simply freaks me out. it drives me crazy!
oh jeez i wanna smash something!
probably that's the state a universe had had before the whole big band theory came true.
'that's different. i wouldn't have recognized it myself', i commented on smth.
'ah, the whole contrary to all expectations thing again? indeed', he hummed.
'why are you growling for nothing?', i sighed.
'i'm sick of this theme. sorry', he answered coldly.
i texted him after a while.
nothing.
wonderful. yeah.
shit.

back to work, amelfa.
you're out of money, you're out of money!!
work work work!

shit!!

@темы: the US

---

moving

second day of hard work.
no parties, no alcohol, almost no food and cigarettes, almost no jared.
and a call to a russian friend concerning the whole staying here idea.
'what is that all about?', lesha burst out, 'are you insane? what is that supposed to mean? you give your child a weird name nobody's ever heard of and what? in twenty something years you're all gone? to different parts of the earth?
i laughed and asked, 'you mean my parents?'.
'yeah! and your sister! i remember our evenings with cognac and all of them. i miss that. and where're you all now?'.
'strange as it may seem at the same continent actually', i replied.
'yeah. does it make you feel better and closer to each other?', he asked.
'not really', i had to admit.
'exactly', he said contentedly.
'hey! are you gonna be supportive in any way?!', i exclaimed.
'sure! once you're back', he answered serenely.
'you're not helping', i gave up.
'i do my best', he added.
yeah, sure.

@темы: the US

---

further to

and it's not about starting it all over again.
it's about moving on and going ahead.

@темы: the US

---

my place

call me crazy, fickle, immature, whatever but i don't want to go back to russia.
at all. ever.
and yeah, i know i used to write here that i think of alexander every single moment and i'm almost counting down days till my coming back.
and i still think of him, so much, so often, so grievously.
but this country somehow makes me feel so much better than anywhere else i've ever been.
i can't explain it.
but despite being so far away from everything i'm used to, i grew up in front of, from near and near ones, my family and friends.
despite being - let's face it - absolutely alone in a foreign country. not to mention me being absolutely not self-sufficient.
it feels so good. i feel being in an only right place for me. contrary to so many circumstances.
my ex-husband warned me i wouldn't want to come back. i didn't take his words to heart back than. but he knew what he was talking about. he knows me too well.
and yet nothing actually holds me here. and so much to lure to russia. but that's where i want to belong.
and i still don't have a job here. only a remote work from moscow. nor a have a home of my own.
and i'm dying to feel alexander in front of me once more who by the way is in germany again at the moment.
but gosh i belong here.
and don't think of it as of a sudden impulse. it's not the way it is.
but i want to catch hold.
even though i realise how much i'd have to leave behind and that scares me more than hell.

@темы: the US

---

random

you're off to germany, i'm off to states,
there's no romantic but we're taking these baits.

no poetry in something so silly actually, only a stupid rhyme.
i miss felix&co's friday nights but he's still occupied with all that family crap.
so i still have no plans for tonight at the moment but what's amazing and something i'm sure of is that i'm gonna be having fun somewhere anyway.
there's no way i'd stay at home.
and that's lovely.
'you're baching it finally', jared said, 'rather late, amy, but better late than never, you know what i mean'.
'you're damn right', i replied.
'and let me tell you you're bloody good at that!', he added, 'i wouldn't be too surpised if i find you making out with one of my brothers one day'.
'don't get too cocky, my friend', i smiled.
'actually i don't think i would put my bros into your hands', he said thoughfully.
'what, don't trust me?', i asked.
'i'm afraid of serious stuff. it can hurt you too much once you're exposed to it. so to be on the safe side, you know..', he shrugged his shoulders.
'what about a short love affair? passionate, wild and noncommittal?', i asked again.
'somehow i've got this feeling there's no chance it would leave no trace. nah, girlie, forget about it!', he shaked his head and offered me a cigarette. just in time as usual.

@темы: the US

---

metaphysics

a girl sarah was crying and sobbing violently after a break up with the latest love of her life.
i'm bad at comforting people. at least i feel uncomfortable while doing it. it's usually about you balancing on the edge between pious perjury also known as lying and being unable to say anything.
and i don't know her very well.
but still she needed someone and there hasn't been anybody around except for me.
so i tdied to do my best.
and then she asked, 'so what's this all about, amelfa? the whole love thing. it's about the commitment?'.
'no', i replied, 'the commitment is not i guess the primary concern'.
'then what is?', she insisted.
'i'm not an expert, sarah, you know. as a matter of fact i doubt can be called experienced at all', i confided.
'but what is it about for you?'.
'maybe it's about having a feeling that what you have is not good and comfortable for now but is just good. all the way, you know. and don't misunderstand me - it's not some guarantees i'm talking about since i hardly believe in these - it's just this insoluble feeling you have', i said finally.
and has found myself coming to something important in my head.

@темы: the US

---

serious

c'mon, amelfa, get a grip!!
don't be so silly.
back to work, back to study, back to earth.
switch over, girlie, switch over completely!!
you can do it, you can do it easily.
c'mon.
i should put myself together and recall what i'm here for.
otherwise it's neither this nor that in reality and an absolute chaos in my blond head.
tomorrow is another day, the beginning of a new week.
so i've got only four hours of this week left to fret and starting tomorrow i'm prudent, strong and independent.
and it will all be amazing.
amen.

@темы: the US

---

keep in the pin, amelfa.

oh crap i never have hangovers but now i'm woozy.
and miss him to tears.

@темы: the US

---

alcohol

just got home from a birthday cocktails party on the roof.
incredibly drunk, pissed as a newt.
and i'm so tired that it seems too hard even to close my laptop and sink back against the pillows.
and i have a hunch i'm gonna have a huge hangover when i wake up.

@темы: the US

---

coffee break

afternoon is my library time from now on.
i'm reading books on some learned theories. listening to an i-pod given by steve who shrugged his shoulders and said, 'that's my sister's. she's off for college and said that's not fancy any more'.
he just brought me a glass of starbucks orange-banana-mango smoothie by the way.
communal life i've never had before is so exciting. we all live as a big family. i couldn't even imagine anything like that. especially in the us where people are mosly successful in contrast to our msu students from poor odd corners of incomprehensible russia. and what we have here is incredible.
i drink my smoothie. i'm all good.
and i think to myself that sometimes you miss it all too desperately.
Alexander. parents.
i miss them so badly. nightly when everybody's gone.
and i realise gosh how much i love them.
and tears choke me.
but no! no crying.
i have a feeling i once promised myself not to cry. i'm not sure whether that happened or it's just my imagination. but i'll do my best.
we get over this.
back to reading. hell yeah.

@темы: the US

---

no music?

nobody liked my song from previous post??? oh, that's pity! !!
i liked it! and i'm self-rigorous!

and an answer from father to a link to that song was ansolutely predictable, 'is that what we sent you out there for??'.
and my mum repeated i should've pursued my musical studies. she's always dreamed of me being a student of music conservatory and becoming a musician, a famous violin player.
but as for me 10 years of music school was definitely enough.
althouth we always regret missed chances. me especially. i never regret something i did, but always regret something i didn't but could have done.
making a choice have always been the most complicated task for me.
once i decide to do something it gets much easier, but this decision-making is enough to make my brain reel.

i'm invited for an italian lunch by my fellow Ake.
'why italian?', i asked.
'cause a junk food lunch wouldn't sound so tempting', he shaked his head.
'so we're having a pizza?'.
'smart russian. yep, babe!', he's delighted.

i've got 15 more minutes in the library and i'm off to go.

@темы: the US