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leroy's college sweetheart kimberly is in town.
some other old friends of them came by to get together and catch up.
she is invited to parties, they have lunches together and are all in this 'it's like the old times' kind of excitement.
i'm mortally jealous.
she's tall and blond and i wouldn't say pretty but is charming in a way with her head permanently in the clouds.
and they have history. first serious relationship - don't tell me about it.
i know how much it means, it never plays out. it transforms into other kind of devotion, but it is strong, period.
i see the two of them standing on the balcony through a window.
they are chattering, laughing, drinking beer and roy staring straight before him right into the darkness.
and kim glances at him and moves closer and closer, half of a step every ten minutes.
half an hour passes by and she's standing right next to him.
she wants him back. at least she wants something between them to happen, that's for sure.
maybe to recall how it felt like, or to compare what it felt like with what i would feel like now.
or maybe she realized she never got anything better than what they had and she wants to give it one more try.
all i need to know is that this girl is making obvious moves on my boyfriend.
i see friends shooting looks in their direction and then at me to check out what my reaction would be like.
i smile, chain-smoke, make jokes and am being hyper.
i'm dying to go there and interfere, touch his hand with a smile, kiss him after all.
he wouldn't mind. and i know if i do so she'd smile back at me and leave.
and i'll be safe.
but i don't.
cause i don't want make decisions for him. i want it to be his own decisions.
cause that's the only way to be sure of them afterwards.
when you're being lead somewhere you never know if it was right or wrong
cause you didn't make up your mind, you didn't accept the consequences, you're not the one in charge.
and i don't want him to be in doubts.
i trust him. i really do.
he would never cheat on me i believe, he wouldn't betray.
but a part of me admits the possibility that he might wanna get back with her.
and kim being so nice and tender and smiley and once near and dear is a nudge.
and i know i can protect him from her influence and seduction easily.
and save myself all the worries.
but i don't want to. i mean i do, i do so much but i don't.
cause i want it to be his decision.
one of his friends probably told him to think about what i'm going through having her around all the time.
i'm guessing it was kate, the nicest babbling brook. or he just came to this himself.
anyway right after one of these evenings with old friends he asked yesterday, 'tell me, ammie, are okay with me hanging out with kim?'
'it is difficult to see the two of you, but i'm doing well,' i told him.
'honey, do you trust me?' roy asked.
'i do, roy! but i don't trust her - a girl who is evidently making moves on you over the last few days,' i burst out.
'it means nothing, kim is just being silly,' he defended her.
'whatever you say,' i shrugged my shoulders. 'but still it's not so nice to look at, i'm sorry.'
'you never showed it's hard for you to handle,' roy said with a wince. 'why don't you tell me to stop then?'
'cause i want you to know you wanna be with me not cause i never let go of you but cause that's exactly what you want, regardless of girls around you. i want it to be your decision entirely, without any interference from me.'
'you are my little russian weirdo,' he smiled. 'very little and very naive.'
'naive?' i repeated.
'oh, absolutely,' roy nodded. 'if you don't see that there are no more decisions to make.'
he cancelled their meeting today to have an italian lunch with me instead.
some other old friends of them came by to get together and catch up.
she is invited to parties, they have lunches together and are all in this 'it's like the old times' kind of excitement.
i'm mortally jealous.
she's tall and blond and i wouldn't say pretty but is charming in a way with her head permanently in the clouds.
and they have history. first serious relationship - don't tell me about it.
i know how much it means, it never plays out. it transforms into other kind of devotion, but it is strong, period.
i see the two of them standing on the balcony through a window.
they are chattering, laughing, drinking beer and roy staring straight before him right into the darkness.
and kim glances at him and moves closer and closer, half of a step every ten minutes.
half an hour passes by and she's standing right next to him.
she wants him back. at least she wants something between them to happen, that's for sure.
maybe to recall how it felt like, or to compare what it felt like with what i would feel like now.
or maybe she realized she never got anything better than what they had and she wants to give it one more try.
all i need to know is that this girl is making obvious moves on my boyfriend.
i see friends shooting looks in their direction and then at me to check out what my reaction would be like.
i smile, chain-smoke, make jokes and am being hyper.
i'm dying to go there and interfere, touch his hand with a smile, kiss him after all.
he wouldn't mind. and i know if i do so she'd smile back at me and leave.
and i'll be safe.
but i don't.
cause i don't want make decisions for him. i want it to be his own decisions.
cause that's the only way to be sure of them afterwards.
when you're being lead somewhere you never know if it was right or wrong
cause you didn't make up your mind, you didn't accept the consequences, you're not the one in charge.
and i don't want him to be in doubts.
i trust him. i really do.
he would never cheat on me i believe, he wouldn't betray.
but a part of me admits the possibility that he might wanna get back with her.
and kim being so nice and tender and smiley and once near and dear is a nudge.
and i know i can protect him from her influence and seduction easily.
and save myself all the worries.
but i don't want to. i mean i do, i do so much but i don't.
cause i want it to be his decision.
one of his friends probably told him to think about what i'm going through having her around all the time.
i'm guessing it was kate, the nicest babbling brook. or he just came to this himself.
anyway right after one of these evenings with old friends he asked yesterday, 'tell me, ammie, are okay with me hanging out with kim?'
'it is difficult to see the two of you, but i'm doing well,' i told him.
'honey, do you trust me?' roy asked.
'i do, roy! but i don't trust her - a girl who is evidently making moves on you over the last few days,' i burst out.
'it means nothing, kim is just being silly,' he defended her.
'whatever you say,' i shrugged my shoulders. 'but still it's not so nice to look at, i'm sorry.'
'you never showed it's hard for you to handle,' roy said with a wince. 'why don't you tell me to stop then?'
'cause i want you to know you wanna be with me not cause i never let go of you but cause that's exactly what you want, regardless of girls around you. i want it to be your decision entirely, without any interference from me.'
'you are my little russian weirdo,' he smiled. 'very little and very naive.'
'naive?' i repeated.
'oh, absolutely,' roy nodded. 'if you don't see that there are no more decisions to make.'
he cancelled their meeting today to have an italian lunch with me instead.