ny2010

i'm in west chester, pennsylvania at my family friends who invited me in for christmas holidays.
it's a russian jewish family who moved here some 20 years ago and my parents and me used to hang out with while we were living in the us.
this time the house was crowded with loads of friends, grown-up children with their children and this crazy mix of russian and english, both with horrible accents when it came to seniors.
we had a traditional russian new year party - with tonnes of salads, caviar, pancakes with salmon, vodka and medvedev's speech on youtube at midnight.

past midnight, moscow time, alexander called me from germany to the us and simply said, 'some traditions turned out to be too important for me to break with. happy new year, lenie'.
'happy new year. i miss you so', i replied.
'i know', he said and i heard an overwhelming 'me too' in his voice.
then i remember a lot of champagne and wine. my intentions to text message him or call back and say much more than necessary. i didn't. lucky me!

and in the morning (so-called morning, in other words in the evening when we were finally waking up) i discovered that it's not easy to love kids i generally love so much when you're having sort of hangover after all the champagne.
cause when every turn of your head causes you pain and you get a little disoriented it's hard to respond pleasantly to every child's cheerful and sanguine abrupt action.
although i can see all the adults here share the opinion. and we all drink water.
yeah, russian new year is a russian new year. wherever it is.

happy new year everyone!

@темы: the US

---

to my friend

my neighbour jared is my objectivity!
'i miss alexander', i confessed tonight while watching a movie.
jarr chewing my cookie and staring deep into his laptop on my couch raised his eyes on me, 'who?'.
'alexander, who', i muttered in response.
'come on, be honest. at least with yourself! pretend i put on earmuffs', he said wearily.
'what do you mean?', i asked.
'say it out loud. what do you miss. and want? and need?', he shrugged.
'i miss alexander, i just told you', i shrugged myself.
'what do you miss about him?', he asked impatiently.
'being with him, looking in the eye, being asked guestions.. i miss his voice and laughter, full lips, his scent', i listed.
'funny little creature! one honest characteristic in the whole list - lips', he smiled.
'one - honest? you lost me', i admitted.
'you need sex! it's time to admit it! sorry, love, but a girl watching 'nine 1/2 weeks' and announcing that she misses guestions looks silly. or - more likely - would look silly if she existed, but she doesn't', he explained.
'ugh', i frowned knowing that he's right.
'it's natural, mel. didn't your momma tell you about hormones hyperactivity?', he was teasing.
'in adolescence?', i groused.
'yeah', he brightened.
'you enjoy yourself, don't you?', i asked.
'yeah', his smile got wider and wider.
'i hate you, jarr!', i said.
and after jared pulled a long face i finally smiled, 'but you'd have been a hell of a psychologist - or a sexologist for that matterbbb'.
'all the same, all the same', he nodded.
i love this man!
and yeah gosh i want sex!!

@темы: the US

---

sum

i've got long hair.
music from jared.
invitations and alternatives for christmas.
friends and relatives all over the world.
i've got beautiful dreams.
and a feeling that i have enough guts to realize them.
i've got a small fireplace in my rented apartement.
chocolate and lemon cookies i made.
and a poinsettia from my fellow steve for christmas.
rewards card from the best ever book store and a free book from there.
i've got two seasons of friends to see again from felix.
i've got visas to visit so many places and countries.
i've got a man i miss.

@музыка: Black eyed peas - I' ve got a feeling

@темы: the US

---

advice needed

i wanna see a good romantic movie i haven't seen yet.
like dirty dancing. or autumn in new york. or definitely maybe.
something about strong feelings and vehement love.
any ideas?

@темы: the US

---

done

exams are over.
they're kinda offering me to prolong my scholarship here for one more year.
i spent 20 minutes straight smoking at the university doors, called everybody who had come to my mind, worked hard to speculate..
and still can't perceive it.
no awareness. just a feeling i can't put a finger on.
i'm having a brain freeze.

@темы: the US

---

all i want for christmas is you (c)

'what do you want for christmas?', jared asked me yesterday.
we were sitting in swings in the backyard and smoking late in the evening so that no kids were supposed to be around.
'happiness', i replied simply.
'whoa! well, babe, why don't we get back to my place, jump into the sack and i make you happy?', he ridiculed.
'oh, piss off, jarr!', i wrinkled.
'gosh, you're such a sweetheart, mel!', he couldn't keep from smiling, 'even when i'm being foul-mouthed addressing you you simply can't curse properly!'.
'fuck off!', i corrected myself.
'that does go against your nature, doesn't it?', jared went on speculating.
i hesitated and he laughed again, 'what am i gonna do with you?'.
'keep on buying me cigarattes', i suggested.
'yeah, that's probably the least harm i can cause here', he agreed.
'you sound like a drug dealer in front of a child', i said.
'you know i used to be an addict', he answered pensively and added, 'i have my reasons to feel like that at times'.
'i wish i had you as a brother all along', i said.
'i was a problem, rebellious type. you'd be sick of me at the click of a finger', he made an illustrative gesture and shook his head.
'i was stubborn and obstinate, so the hatred would have been mutual', i replied.
'that would have hardly made it any better', he shrugged and then gave me a wry smile, 'we'd have killed each other anyway'.
'we would have got a hell of a childhood though', i smiled back.
'oh, yeah, no fireworks in the area needed', he grinned.

@темы: the US

---

celeb

my exams are almost over.
christmas is right around the corner.
on christmas eve everybody presses forward, takes stock of the past and plans the future.
we summarize it all and find things to hold on tight.
i'm not that summing up kind of person and all my experience demonstrates that impromptu is my life cornerstone.
but still there's something magical about this annual boundary. it's interesting.
i get infinite calls from my russian friends.
and people here are also so active and excited.
at some point you are getting carried away with the christmas lights all around.
and all this pre-holiday fuss is pleasant and even welcome.

@темы: the US

---

memories

every time i'm speeding at night through the reaches of the us valleys surrounded by predawn mist and silence broken only by quite music in the car i recall first trips to the us with my parents.
felix's friend kyle gave me a ride the other day in the early morning.
and i remembered it.
white dodge. my parents and me driving along some 15 years ago.
from washington to canada. from canada to new york. from new york to buffalo. from buffalo to the bay. and so on and so forth.
i recall listening to britney spears - i quess her first album - a cassette in a big black tape player.
corn fields all around.
insects flying towards the light or our headlights and smashing into windscreen.
an enormous map on my mum's lap.
and dad blowing a fuse over the absence of a needed exit to 66 west.
police officer stopping the car for us going too fast and me trying to talk him into letting us go.
us taking snatches in rest areas on high ways and washing car on gas stations trying to wipe all these insects out.
playing games and eating apple chips. with coke. and sandwiches: sandwich bread with sesame seeds and viola cheese spread.
passing nights in motels ang moving along in the early morning.
yeah, that was a hell of a childhood.

@темы: the US

---

a call

my ex-husband artyom called me. it was still morning here and friday evening in moscow.
we hardly ever talk over past couple of years and that's a right thing to do for sure.
but every time we finally get together even if only on the phone we feel this fantastic irrelative closeness that doesn't fade away at all.
we still love each other.

the number of different kinds of love is simply inconceivable. there're so many!
every feeling is far different from any other. it can be tender or rough, passionate or amazingly sweet.
so different that they doesn't compete, they're here in you, one way of being for each of so different loves.
my love for artyom is something i've never felt neither before nor after.
it's not the same with how i feel about alexander i wanna be with desperately.
it's a puppy-love in a way, it's sweet, it's tender, full of caring and attempts to foresee.
full of the oh-my-god-the-treasure-in-front-of-me-is-so-fragile feeling reduced to an absurdity.
the latest seems to be the crucial factor destroying our marriage. but is so sweet now.
and we know each other inside out.
we feel each other.

and today we told each other silly jokes and stories. we laughed and sometimes were silent.
and the silence was so comfortable. it's so gratifying to hear somebody breathing into the phone thinking of you. feel him smiling.
and knowing that he there feels exactly the same thing.
we recalled your past.
it went like 'remember camamber?' or 'this old lady we ran into, huh?'.
and we would both smile without going into unnecessary further details. for us this single word means everything.
and these pictures captured us, it was overwhelming.

and it's soul-stirring, melting, but never sad.
and i feel these tight threads to my past, these strings. that are here.
and surprisingly it doesn't interfere. it helps me here, in my far different future.
my past gives me strength to move towards my future through my present.
fascinating.

@темы: the US

---

keep dreaming

in my dream you sent me 3 e-mails.
for some reasons with songs attached.
and when I gasped in surprise you were right here on the phone soothing me and telling calmly, ‘shh, it’s me, listen’.
somehow in spanish.
maybe to dramatize the impossibility of the matter since I know for sure this is a language you don’t speak.

i checked my e-mail the moment i woke up not really hoping to find something from you. but what if.
nothing. you bet.
i only found myself buried in flashbacks bright and out of line.

when it comes to exams I’m always having crazy dreams.

@темы: the US

---

quoting

jared listened to my complaints patiently and made a face, 'i take it you're being taken care of badly? i don't cope with my duties?'.
'you're my vital support, jar', i shrugged my shoulders with a faint smile.
'aw, ma lil' girl' he exclaimed exaggerating his usually slight ebonics.
'yup, 'sup, ma big bro?', i replied.
he smiled at my mockery.
then lit another cigarette and looked back at me wistfully this time, 'so what do you mean? what you feel is missing?'.
'um.. i quess i miss having somebody being unreasonable when it comes to you - sort of', i said doubtfully.
he gave me a long look and saif finally, 'that's a rather complete definition of being in love - or love in general, you know'.
i shrugged again singing along with a familiar song coming from his i-pod and added cheerfully with an ingenuous smile, 'i'm all good actually. it's all just some little girlish nonsense, no more'.
jared jabbed his elbow into my side slightly and grinned, 'hey, you know what? you're so light, so - luminous, mel. sometimes overwhelmingly. thank you'.
'what for?', i did sound surprised.
'for letting me see things through your eyes at times. that's fascinating to me'.
'thank you', it was my turn to say it.
'for what?', and obviously his turn to sound surprised.
'for being unreasonable', i smiled.
he smiled back and said, 'i wish you could see through my eyes sometimes, too, - so that you could see yourself clearly, cause you really don't'.
my smile got wider and he tossed his head taking all the seriousness away, 'not for long though. or it could ruin your childish views'.
'thanks for your cojncern, my i've-seen-it-all friend', i answered.
friends are the main backbone. nevertheless.

@темы: the US

---

friendly

i used to have a friend anton always so interested in what was going on with me, so concerned, following my every step carefully.
he was a friend i could always tell i was stupid, share my scruples and complexes with.
he was my beck-and-call. a friend in a girlish kind of way. i could share every girlish nonsense with him. and for some reason he found it fascinating.
i was probably selfish in that but i needed somebody to tell me 'you're such a miracle, melenka' they was he always did.
i got married and discussed artyom with him, smiling widely and telling about your romantic diners and whispers at night.
he was listening not looking away.
and then i'd say 'soon enough you'd meet a girl who'd steal your heart, you'd marry her and i won't have to describe anything like that to you again'.
and he would shake his head, 'me? married? never happens!'.
we even made a bet many years ago - that in 10 years from that moment on i'd call him and he'd admit i was right while his children would kick each other on his lap and his wife would make a fansy diner in the kitchen.
he didn't believe me.
and i just laughed happily and light-heartedly.
once i'd got divorsed he started to make some unexpected and absolutely unnecessary approaches to me and it striked me all of a sudden that he had a crush on me.
and for sure i've never felt this way about him.
i'd rather he being gay to avoid all this confusion. sorry for saying that.
but still. he was my rearward. no attraction involved, sorry.
a guy never introduced to the rest of my friends.
eventually he asked me for reasons of this the other day and i smiled, 'you know too much. you'd have to be killed anyway'.
once a was aware of his crush i was wise anough to step back. not to hang around, to limit our contacts, to stay distant.
he got it.
we fell apart. i quess for a year or so.

but then after a huge fight with alexander so to say surrounded by the whole world breaking into pieces i couldn't resist, i called him omitting the whole politeness and hello's and saying the silliest and stupidest, 'anton. please. tell me everything is gonna be alright. someday. please?'.
we started conversing again but since i lived in spb it all came down to e-mails mostly.
but still it was nice to have someone asking about every detail in your life. and enjoying so much hearing about it.
when sasha had to work hard i'd send him e-mails.
although it still was limited. i ingored his invitations and i avoided meeting him even while being in moscow.
and never answered his text messages on the phone not to mention calls - it felt like interference with my privacy.
that was not his territory, that was mine. ans alexander's. and my closest friends.
then me and alexander broke up and anton was told about it in a while.
the whole crush thing started all over again.
he was everywhere, trying to quess every wish i might have, asking me questions every now and then. he was so nicey-nice it made me sick!
i hate being asked questions!! it's whether we're on the same wavelength or not, whether you feel me or not. not - fuck off, yes - you know what to do without me giving directions.
he even invited me for a dinner with his mother, she called me herself once almost pleading.
and it all yielded a reverse effect. it was repellent, even repulsive.
i knew i was the one wrong here, but he was like my brother or something, like family. no sexual identity involved. and him rejecting it felt kind of insulting to me.
i really wished he was gay at that point.
actually i used to have some doubts about that before it became obvious that he was so absolute straight.
so i cut off again.
absolutely. last june.
he swallowed it again, this time without any attempts to change it.
and now i miss writing to him.
i won't since that really wouldn't be fair. he didn't deserve to be treated like that, to be used.

but i hit upon the idea of loneliness.
desperate, huh?
haha, that's really funny.
but it's weird not to be attached to anybody.
i worked so hard on myself seeming independent and sovereign that apparently i've kinda succeded in it.
and now it's all ironic and cool.
my friends are keeping me up with their jokes, that's priceless. i adore this manner of communications. giving the needles all the time and laughing at it kindly. that's just perfest, really. very few people can keep up.
my parents call me every now and then. and they're the best parents ever. caring, anxious, always there. but i'm a good daughter, right? i want them to feel good. they've already done so much for me, i don't want them to worry about me being all alone in a foreigh country. so i keep telling funny stories - fortunately i've got plenty of them. i just draw a veiol over this loneliness part, i wouldn't consider it as lying. i'm really fine here.
but i miss having someone to catch my fleeting intonations and the lightest mood swings.
i'd like someone to be interested in details and silly thoughts.
somebody to tell every singe part of it so that he'd listen to you carefully, and only then laugh and tell something like 'you're silly' or kiss your ear.
or say nothing and pull you closer to his bare chest.
but to pay attention to every part of it. truly.
i want someone to be involved in my life.
that makes us weak? someone'd say so.
vulnerable? yeah, probably.
but i do want this vulnerability anyway.
i want to be a part of someone's life.

my mum would say, 'you're acting like a pregnant cockroach!'.
yeah, that does sound like acting out of boredom even to me.
i love it here. i so gosh like it here!!
with one exception.
but i can overlook it, right? against this beautiful background?
sure thing.

@темы: the US

---

nightmare

had a dream.
a guy i don't know but trusted implicitly in my dream standing right in front of me and staring me in the eye gripped my wrists in his hard hands.
holding my gaze, he said steadily and slowly, making every word clear, 'he's not coming back'.
of course i knew who he was talking about, it was out of question.
but this all made perfect sense. it didn't take me by surprise, not for a single moment.
a guy kept looking at me anxiously waiting for my reaction to come and still not loosening his iron grip.
i stood in front of him, listening to his voice echoing now in my head.
his words coinciding with something i already knew, awareness that apparently has been there deep inside of me all along, never said out loud though.
i exhaled and nodded.
i didn't realize i was crying until it was time to take a new breath, the one after.
a breath of a new air, an air now containing an unspoken before truth.
and that was to much to bear, i couldn't. i was gasping for breath vainly.
i can't recall what happened next, it's all fuzzy and in a flux.
my dream ended with me shaking with sobs in the back seat of a car, pulled into arms of this guy i didn't know but trusted.
i kept sobbing violently and looking away, but his warm arms constricted around me, trying calmly but persistently to pull me away from a cold window i leaned to.
he held me against his chest.
i couldn't care less about the guy being so concerned about me, but his embrace was warm and at least somehat comforting.
and i had no strength to object.
it felt like i would never be able to fight again.
even having a single intention to seemed impossible and way too far.
emptiness. yawning emptiness.

@темы: the US

---

x-mas

felix and his friends intive me to vegas for chistmas holidays.
in reply to my honest 'i doubt i could afford it' felix said, 'i doesn't have to be about a big game. it's more about being naughty, drinking, smoking pots - clearly you don't have to take part in the last one, yeah - and making the craziest holiday ever. and once you're so interested in the game we can play in half - you're getting pretty good so i'd even like to have you by my side'.
i'm itching to go.
and nibbling hard at the offer.
damned crisis!
i miss having a lot of money on my own.
my sister was so right - seriously i'm the smartest girl ever - having money while living with a really well-fixed man and breaking up with him when i have no penny to my name.
materialistic girls looking for a good marriage would scramble for my options of going back and trying to work it out all over again that i don't consider now desperately.
and what do i do instead?
i move to another continent and grub along to cut and contrive somehow on my own.
'a weirdo. i say it over and over again', jared comments on.
hell yeah.

@темы: the US

---

study

exams go one after the other.
i smoke a lot and my sleep came down to 1,5-2-hour naps wherever and whenever i get the opportunity to take it.
alexander is out of reach and past my understanding.
permanent mood swings are kinda freaking me out but i can't help it.
once i realize how much i have to do i get in a flap so that i'm capable of nothing until i get a grip of myself.
then i get myself together and sweat my guts out insanely.

all i want now is simply to get enough sleep.
and to hear soothing words. and somebody to run his fingers through my hair gently.
i miss this not mischievous and full of sarcasm but plain tender sympathy and being there for me.
but this university dead-lines and my friends always here to take me out to have some fun actually help.

and my sister is carried away with the whole russia idea.
and being aware that i don't really wanna go there that much is a nice and astonishing in a way experience.
my sister's flight is in a few hours, she calls me on her way to the airport.
'do you want me to kiss your alexander for you?', she asks me cheerfully on the phone.
'you'd better kick his ass for me if you end up in germany', i reply.
'i'm sure his butt is also pretty good', she goes on.
'i'd rather still be sure he's pretty good as a whole', i admit.
'isn't he anymore?', she sounds surprised.
'i don't know', i hesitate.
the thing is now i start to get this feeling that maybe it's all for the best.
and i hate the idea.
it's like these pathetic minds going like - we're all gonna die and it will all gonna get only worse so why don't go jump off the cliff right now?
but now that there's nothing i'm absolutely positive about, it seems like it's only for the best to be away and out of reach.

@темы: the US

---

shitty

'hey, girlie', jared comes over.
'hi', i reply.
'what's up?', he asks.
'life sucks. i haven't done the presentation, my love is in a place i have no idea about, i don't have a permanent job, i'm such a loser!', i say.
'yeah, you a loser? c'mon, i'm a loser now and i don't give a shit!', jared says with an easy shrug.
'that's cause you had sex last night', i scowl and finally mention one more reason to be upset.
'oh, dear god! amelfa, dear, don't you try to convince me you can have any problems with that! don't you even start! just don't!', he growls.
'as a matter of fact yeah, i have a problem with it', i assure him.
'what are you, in a junior high school? look around! they all want to - sorry, but you started it - get you laid badly!', jared goes on.
'i don't want just to jump into the sack! i mean, not with anybody, not meaningless', i say.
'well, honey, that is quite a different issue. i just had sex the other night, with - anybody, meaningless. that feels good though. you should try it', he smiles pleasingly.
'i did try it, thanks', i answered back.
'i bet you did!!', he laughes joyfully.
i shake my head, his laughter becomes louder.

i'm thinking of writting a book.
since i need my energy and imagination to be adressed to something else apart from my life,
cause just what i do now doesn't seem enough.

my sister's going to russia for the new year.
i envy her. just a little though.
maybe she'd come to visit afterwards.

@темы: the US

---

daily

got some money, played poker yesterday.
felix is still out of town but i was very pleasantly surprised to get an invitation from his friends, i'm kinda under felix's wind so their invitation in his absence was unexpected.
but yesterday i got a call from israel - felix asked me how i was doing and then added at the very end he amirked, 'yeah, you expect a call from martin soon' and at the same moment i heart a beep in my ear - a second-line call from martin.
we had fun.
i'm reading 'twilight' by stephenie meyer. i know that's silly abd that's not literature and blah-blah.
but everybody's just nuts about it here.
and holy crap that turned out to be fascinating!
edward cullin is sacractic and dangerous. what on earth can be hotter?
and i like being captured by the book and a fictitious character than by my rather depressing thoughts of real ones. one more specifically.
i'm a weirdo, a sick and masochistic one, but i should always be crazy about something or someone.
it can be an idea or music, a plan, my work, my ambition as well as a real guy or a character from a book or a movie.
otherwise it's calm, yeah, but i don't feel like living my life, i can't feel the breath of life. it's all just like passing by.

@темы: the US

---

***

i'm damn strong.
but i'm so bally tired. i'm so fucking lonely. i'm so fuckin knocked out that i'm fit for nothing.
and i need you so fucking badly.
how come you don't feel it.

@темы: the US

---

okay

i'm all good!
when you're concentrated there's so much time in these regular 24 hours!

felix moved to israel at least till the end of the year and this is of no good.
'i thought american jews live in america', i blunder out thoughfully.
'yeah, but they tend to visit israeli relatives from time to time. since you know hebrew i figured you'd know that yourself. was i wrong?', he asked.
'nope, i have relatives there as well. i guess everybody does nowadays', i added.
'yeah. and roots in russia', he said.
'you too?', i was surprised.
'sure! my grandfather was russian. i never got a single chance to meet him thought, but he was russian'.

i want to go for a ride alone and to nowhere. but i don't have a car.
and without a car i don't really feel free. at least in russia. and here in the us.

@темы: the US

---

and here we go again

after a night of drinking you wake up in the morning.
pretty obvious, yeah. still quite optimistic though.
and when you wake up you don't usually feel bad, no, you feel okay.
but you recall the previous night. you drinking.
nothing to be embarrassed by, nope.
but you think to yourself: what the fuck?
is that the best i can do - to spend my time drinking and sniveling?
is that all what i'm capable of? is that what i'm here for?
what my parents raised me for?
and right here you hit the right answer: hell, no!
and you recall your friend leaving in the morning and telling you,
'amelfa, right now i'm going to sleep, but let me tell you you're tipsy. very tipsy. please don't do anything stupid, okay? it's alluring, i know. but don't, okay?'.
you smile.
and get a grip. finally.

i'm talking about my mid-week here.
and what do i have now?
i'm working, willing to get a car sometime in future, i'm studying.
i'm reading 'autumn in new york' sсript which is far different from the movie.
literally speaking wills is the first man for not so innocent charlotte there.
they're intuiting so much together, new for both of them which might seem weird at first but still.

and i remember myself, already a divorcee, telling alexander 'teach me' in bed - not on our first night together but in the very beginning. and me being embarrassed.
and i remember him being concerned and attentive especially after i told him that.
and that makes me smile, not cry.
and that's good.
very very good.

@темы: the US