family

my parents are coming over next week!!
my mum is freaking out over me not going back to russia to set things right with the university.
and i know she might be right but gosh i don't wanna go there.
i just got moved on.
don't need anything to drag me back. or should i say - away?
i'm afraid of leaving.
i know it's silly but i feel like while i'm here my chances to stay, my chances to get the prolongation are higher.
and the moment i set my feet on russian ground i'd have to stay there.
stupid, i know.
but mum has her chances to talk me into going there. for a few weeks. or days maybe.
anyway my parents are gonna be in the us in a week.
and i'm excited.
i miss them like crazy!
my mum came to support me a couple of month ago but it's been ages since i saw my dad!
and in a few days i'm gonna meet them at the airport!
with leroy by my side.
'roy is nervous but he is resolved to meet you, guys,' i told my mum the other day.
'let me get this straight,' my mum said and started mentioning my exes, 'he's not some sort of a decadent philosopher, he's not a passing affair that normal mum doesn't need to know about and he's not hiding from your parents?'
'mum, artyom was not that decadent, i didn't have that much of affairs and alexander was not hiding, you know his story,' i tried to protect them without success.
'so?' mum pushed.
'and no, he's none of the above,' i had to admit.
'i start to like the guy,' my mum summed up.
maybe my sister will come too.
and then we'll rent a car and go somewhere - like old times.
with junk food, crisps, muffins, lunches at rest areas.
and maybe with roy.
i'm so excited!!

@темы: the US

---

briefly

i love kisses that give me no chance to notice that arms are already under the clothes.

@темы: the US

---

back home

roy is back.
i met him at the airport wearing new fancy dress - very short, very airy, flower and summery.
i got my hair done, bracelets on my wrists and as a matter of fact looked like a picture from a fashion magazine.
roy was stunned. he kept flirting trying to unbotton my dress while we were walking to his car.
he couldn't take his eyes of me which is always pleasant.
when we got home we had a lovely lunch with wine and romantic atmosphere.
then celebrated his arrival so that all the bracelets and clothes were on the floor.
afterwards it was still too early to sleep, so roy got a couple of calls from the office,
meanwhile i got into my sweats and a white loose shirt and came into the living room where he was sitting.
i came closer to sit on his lap, he looked at me and made me oone of the best compliments ever,
'ammie, you're so beautiful in casual clothes: sweaters, sweaty pants, silly t-shirts.. genuinely, a pretty woman is pretty in the simpliest things.'

@темы: the US

---

future

yeah, night roof parties are up again!
me and jarr, dozens of friends, music on macs, whiskey, mattresses and chairs, barbecue and junk food - all on the roof.
i've missed that.
and now it's half past eight and i'm only on my way to bed.

but there's something that haunts my mind.
thoughts about going back to russia. i don't want to.
but the chances that i'd have to are really high.
i'm all after staying here and doing everything for it,
but to be honest i'm absolutely not sure it's gonna work out.
and i'm afraid of the fact that someday it might turn out i have to go back.
and i'd have to come home,
see leroy making dinner or sitting with his laptop on my couch
and smiling at me with this warm welcoming smile he's capable of
when relaxed and is enjoying every split second,
look him in the eye and tell that i'm leaving,
pack everything and buy a ticket.
and get on this boston-moscow plane.

and i see that roy's feeling the same way -
we never bring this matter up,
but it's in the air.
moreover it's getting on our nerves.

dammit.

@темы: the US

---

to you, ilya

i'm so confused. and so in the middle.

if only i could i'd speak to my friend ilya.
i'd laugh and he'd feel that i'm serious.
he'd also laugh but in his jokes there would be a meaning i'm looking for.
and now he's in a place that's better than ours, that's for sure.
cause people like him - although they do not exist, he's one of a kind.
anyway, he's in a way better place, that's the only possible way.
i wouldn't say outcome, cause it's just one more turn for him.
now i can't write him a long letter.
and he can't answer me with an even longer one.
but i can feel him.
he's not gone. he's with us, with me forever.
he's left us his universe, endless and ever lasting,
full of music, phrases and situations, books and sensations.
and he can hear me. and can feel me.
and now he's upset with me crying while writing this.
he's shaking his head in disapproval.
so i stop.
cause i like to please him. and to deserve his pleased smile.
and no matter what i really feel his presence.
when i'm lost he's encouraging me.
he's like, 'hey, you can do this! i just know you do, i don't need any proof, and neither do you. just go for it, i believe in you!'
and now and then when i think what to do i think to myself, 'he'd be proud of me if i did that.'
and that's a determinative.
ilya, i just miss you so much.
and i'd have to live with this painful feeling forever.
but i'm so happy i got to know you, so lucky to have you.
but God i miss you.
my dear friend, i miss you so.

everything you've ever said and done is now full of special meaning.
and for some reason i have a feeling that's not a coincidence.
you've always known more than any of us, haven't you?
yes, you have.

your father told us about the day you had died.
he asked you about the time you'd be back home.
i don't wanna translate your words into english.
so your father asked you, 'ti segodnya budesh pozdno?'.
and you simply said, 'ya budu.'
budesh. vsegda budesh.


and here's one of songs you like
(no past tenses, only present)
and no dots

Moto boy - A room without you.

The time has come and gone
I am your daughters son
I'm in a room without you
I miss everything we had

This river run so deep into the sea it weep
I'm in a room without you
now that the end is over

I see your kindness in my mothers eyes
and when I walk these stones I know
I hear the sound of your feet

The time has come an end
our days are ment to spend
I'm in a room without you
now that your love is in me

@музыка: moto boy - a room without you

@темы: the US

---

day-to-day

i woke up this morning to realize what was missing and give a call to roy immediately before going to the university.
'good morning, love. did you sleep well?' he answered after just one beep.
'yeah,' i replied quickly and got to the thing i called him for. 'you know what makes every morning here incomplete?'
'i really hope my absence?' roy said.
'yeah, but i mean exactly,' i corrected myself. 'nobody is walking about my apartment while brushing their teeth.'
'nobody there to freak you out, you mean?' roy asked.
'nobody here to watch and smile at while making breakfast for,' i replied.
he was silent for a moment, but that was a good kind of silence, a pleasant one, that's for sure.
'and nobody there to stretch like a cat for i believe,' he added finally.
'you wish,' i mocked him.
'ammie, it's far from being your first month in the us, yet your english is so dreadful,' roy sighed. 'to assure somebody of them being right you should say 'you bet', not 'you wish' which has a completely opposite meaning..' and when he heard me trying to interrupt him, he added more loudly, 'way different from what you could have ever meant to say to me'
'absolutely,' i gave up.
'uuum,' he was speculating, 'what an obedient girl i'm talking to! could i please speak to mine?'
'seriously, boy, you're so ironic out there! and it's growing on you day by day!' i said honestly.
'i already told you yesterday,' he explained, 'i have to sublimate, use my energy somehow.'

i really don't wanna even think of leaving this guy here and going back home.

@темы: the US

---

about me

i was discussing my studying in the us possibilities with roy over the phone.
he gave me sound advices, i asked for specifications and we were arguing the matter pro and con.
then he chuckled and said, 'you know what's so astonishing about you? you are so after advices, opinions and discussions. and you listen carefully, hang upon other people's lips but at the end you always get your own way no matter what they - we - say.'
at first i wanted to object but then took a moment to deliberate and realize he has his point.
yet i had to soften the statement, 'i am stubborn but some opinions are incredibly important for me, unbelievably that!'
leroy went on, 'yeah, as a matter of fact i think you take what's said into account, but only after plenty of processing stages in your head that make it almost unrecognizable at the end.'
i paused and then asked, still deliberating, 'you know what's so remarkable about you?'
'what is?' roy sounded interested.
'that even when my knee-jerk reaction is to object and prove you wrong, after i give it a thought it typically turns out you're right.'
'if not to say 'always',' he chuckled again.
'doesn't that freak you out?' i asked then.
'what? that i'm constantly right? not at all,' he was chortling.
'no,' i replied patiently. 'that i never do what you tell me to.'
'as you might have noticed i never give you strict directions. i'm only here to guide you, tip off, give certain hints. i feel like that's what you actually need.'
'why does it take us such a long distance to have these serious and deep conversations?' i asked then dazed by his perceptivity and unambiguousness.
'cause being here taking off your clothes is kinda impossible, therefore i'm not distracted by the picture - ' he stammered and then went on, 'oh, no, wait! here it is!'
'i'm glad you're finally on the right track!' i laughed.
we laughed and then he got back to the beginning, 'you're still thinking about what i said?'
'yeah,' i admitted. 'it turns out you're right, although it is kinda wacky - and stupid. and it doesn't make sense!'
'it does make sense, your own sense,' roy explained, i was silent and he added. 'you also wanted to know my stance on this. ammie, you're adorable. in this childish imdependence as well.'
and that's when i loosened up and could only say, 'come back soon.'

@темы: the US

---

wow

i wanna have a baby.
and i know that with my current pace of living, with my ambitions and future plans, my ideas about education and career..
well the baby doesn't fit in. not now.
sometimes 24 hours is so not enough.
i wish i could have time and strength for everything.
i want so much. i'm willing to do so much.
if only i have all the opportunities and strength to use them.

@темы: the US

---

working

i'm freaking tired.
i have to finish my research part of program and that turned out to take much more effort than i had expected.
i want to sleep. i really do.

roy's on a business trip again. my sweet eager beaver.
that's going to be a long one. but when we call each other it's like breathing fresh air.
i don't know. we got so much closer. so fast! that's weird. really weird.
i usually need a lot of time to get to know another person. to get used to. and to accept all the pro and contra.
and make sure they're capable of taking you as you are, therefore not to show off.
and this time it was different.
maybe cause of all the complications and losses we had to go through together or for some other reason
we just became really close.
and it seems like we know each other for ages. and there's nothing we can't tell each other.
that's really odd. very very odd.
great though.
we can be romantic. we can be blown away by the whole sex thing. we can be friends. or even more of relatives.
that's exciting.
so every time i get a call from kansas where he's staying now it's like coming home again -
it feels so right, so the-way-it's-supposed-to-be kind of thing, that's where we belong.
we talk about everything ang even more than that, we make fun, we jack around, have phone sex. anything!
that's exciting.

what is exciting as well is that while roy's out of town we're catching up with jarr.
he's such a vicious person, so malice and poisonous, yet like ma big bro.
that's so sweet to have him around again.
'ya know, ma girl,' jared tells me, 'i wish your guy'd stay away for a lil' longer than was planned.'
'he'll get back as soon as he can,' i assure him then.
'c'mon,' jared punches me, 'you want to spend more time with me as well, don't you?'
'well,' i pretend to be speculating, but when he punches me again i have to admit it, 'hell, yeah!'

as for my family, we're thinking about a having vacation together after i get it all over with here.
my parents can finally take a leave and maybe visit me here so that we can go to the ocean, go south.
and maybe take roy with us. and jarr. and my sister with her fiance.
i'm actually looking for sublet houses at the moment and we'll see.

my moscow ex-classmates had this big school reunion today.
dasha called me on skype and told some crazy stories.
it all seems so far away!
i can't even imagine seeing my ex-husband artyom and all the rest in the same place at the same time.
some of them are married. been there done that haha.
but some of them already have children.
yet dasha says it's like back at high school, everybody's the same.
and i'm sure that's true. but i find it hard to believe being that far away from them.
it's like a completely other universe.

and with the whole studying-working thing i've lost some weight again. and i don't like it!
i ask jared to make me eat more, but all he does is coming over and eating all he can find in my fridge.

@темы: the US

---

days

my thesis is almost done, i just have to add some examples and reread it a few times.
meanwhile me and roy are having a great time. very calm, very comforting.
we are completely in phase with each other.
our major problems are the following:
i hate him working too much and being upset with it when something bad crops up all of a sudden
and that he makes it so difficult for me to get through to him at these moments.
and he tells me my english - or should i say american (hahah that's an inside joke)? - punctuation is dreadful.
he tells me he can't believe i've always had an A for my russian at school.
and that i was working as a journalist and that i verse.
and one more thing that freaks him out is me reading in russian.
it's the first book i'm reading in russian since i got here, 'the glass bead game' by gesse.
i make a face on what i read, he looks over my should and doesn't understand a shit.
'that's very frustrating,' he admits.
'i'll get better with commas and dots and apparently you're to work on russian,' i'd mock.

as for the rest are having this quiet, plain life - a definition he found offensive.
as for me, i kinda enjoy it at the moment. when i told him that he bursted out,
'you know, love, that's not exactly a kind of characteristic i'd love to have from a girl i'm really into.'
for this reason he was truly beaming when a couple of days later my downstairs neighbour came by,
apologetically told us his little nephews are guesting for a couple of weeks this summer break
and uneasily asked us to try to be a little quieter.
i suggested he was talking about us watching tv or having our friends over,
roy only smiled in response, 'amie, you are in fact malicious, but that's not gonna break me down. we both know that's not what he was talking about.'
considering his embarrassment, roy is completely right and i don't even try to contradict, all i say is,
'you guys never change. you can seem mature and serious and grown up
but when it comes to sex and what you have in your pants, you're back in junior high!'
roy smiles again, 'one way or another the guy made my day!'
next thing i know he comes towards me sitting in the dining room, narrows his eyes and tells,
'that is ungrateful but something tells me we won't grant his wish, not tonight.'
he picks me up in his hands and proves himself right.

@темы: the US

---

an odelet

oh my dear dear dear americans!
i have no idea what people boiling over stupidity and false smiles of americans are talking about.
i've never met people with such an open character, people so happy to help you and undertake at least some of your tasks away.
i lived in france when i was a kid, i've traveled a lot - thanks to my dad at first and my work and research after.
yet never i've experienced that kind of support and helpfulness from people i don't even know and will never get a chance to thank properly.
i'm lucky with friends yes, they are amazing and are always there for me.
but that's not what i'm talking about here. that's natural for friends to help.
but strangers spending days trying to do something for you you didn't even had a thought of asking them to - that's beyond my compass.
i'm still looking for scholarships and financial aaids for me to keep studying here or stay as a researcher.
and today i got a call from a professor from the university of alabama whom i was talking to some three month ago and back then we came to a conclusion that there are no possible ways for me to be admitted.
and this morning he calls me and tells that in a today's meeting some new options for young researchers were discussed.
it's not set up yet but he thought of me and is trying to talk them into giving it a try and if it works out just fine he'd be happy to have me and will do his best for me to get a permission for this out-of-schedule admission.
he's never seen me!
he only read a couple of my articles and was interested.
that's it.
and it gives you strength and confidence as nothing else.
you are ready to keep on fighting and working and never give up.

@темы: the US

---

contra

did i tell you i tend to get really attached to people?
yeah, i bet it's not that evident since i move from city to city and from country to coutry from some people to completely new ones.
but every time it's very difficult. and in some ways my moves are caused or at least inspired by people of the most importance.
place, background, agenda, job, things - i can change all of these.
but when it comes to people it's very difficult.

and now that i finally realized over the past couple of weeks that leroy seems to be an integral part of my life
to think of the possibility of going back to russia and leaving him behing is definitely not that pleasant.

И не могу сказать, что не могу
жить без тебя - поскольку я живу.
Как видно из бумаги. Существую..
(c) J.B.

i would be able to go back, to live without leroy, i know.
but i so don't want to be obliged to do that.

@темы: the US

---

shallow

chances are good that i'd have to go back to russia in july.
and not just to go there for a visit but to move back.
damn it. i don't want to.

@темы: the US

---

deep

i grasped the idea of what love is.
i don't think even a whole life is enough to give a complete definition but now i know one more side of it, the essential part.

loving somebody means you are worried about them.
you are so worried for no reason that you have a physical need to make sure they're okay.

we've been very close with roy lately.
and i know he's going through a tough time at work and even more with me grieving over my friend.
and at first he did his best to encourage me but then i saw him anguishing and found strengh to help him as well.
we both did everything to be supportive for each other these days.
to hold on not for ourselves but for each other's sake.
we followed each other's mood 24/7.
even if silently, that was priceless. and it was in the air.

and now roy is on a business trip.
it's just for a few days but when his cell died and we were not in touch for one single day, some sort of frenzy began.
i needed to hear his voice.
not to ask where he was, what he was doing, no.
it wasn't jealosy, neither it was my desire to be with him at the moment or discuss something.
i just needed to hear his voice and know he was fine.
that was enough for me to exhale relieved.

love is being worried about.
can be used for 'love is..' bubble gum, yeah.

@темы: the US

---

jealousy

leroy's college sweetheart kimberly is in town.
some other old friends of them came by to get together and catch up.
she is invited to parties, they have lunches together and are all in this 'it's like the old times' kind of excitement.
i'm mortally jealous.
she's tall and blond and i wouldn't say pretty but is charming in a way with her head permanently in the clouds.
and they have history. first serious relationship - don't tell me about it.
i know how much it means, it never plays out. it transforms into other kind of devotion, but it is strong, period.

i see the two of them standing on the balcony through a window.
they are chattering, laughing, drinking beer and roy staring straight before him right into the darkness.
and kim glances at him and moves closer and closer, half of a step every ten minutes.
half an hour passes by and she's standing right next to him.
she wants him back. at least she wants something between them to happen, that's for sure.
maybe to recall how it felt like, or to compare what it felt like with what i would feel like now.
or maybe she realized she never got anything better than what they had and she wants to give it one more try.
all i need to know is that this girl is making obvious moves on my boyfriend.

i see friends shooting looks in their direction and then at me to check out what my reaction would be like.
i smile, chain-smoke, make jokes and am being hyper.
i'm dying to go there and interfere, touch his hand with a smile, kiss him after all.
he wouldn't mind. and i know if i do so she'd smile back at me and leave.
and i'll be safe.
but i don't.
cause i don't want make decisions for him. i want it to be his own decisions.
cause that's the only way to be sure of them afterwards.
when you're being lead somewhere you never know if it was right or wrong
cause you didn't make up your mind, you didn't accept the consequences, you're not the one in charge.
and i don't want him to be in doubts.

i trust him. i really do.
he would never cheat on me i believe, he wouldn't betray.
but a part of me admits the possibility that he might wanna get back with her.
and kim being so nice and tender and smiley and once near and dear is a nudge.
and i know i can protect him from her influence and seduction easily.
and save myself all the worries.
but i don't want to. i mean i do, i do so much but i don't.
cause i want it to be his decision.

one of his friends probably told him to think about what i'm going through having her around all the time.
i'm guessing it was kate, the nicest babbling brook. or he just came to this himself.
anyway right after one of these evenings with old friends he asked yesterday, 'tell me, ammie, are okay with me hanging out with kim?'
'it is difficult to see the two of you, but i'm doing well,' i told him.
'honey, do you trust me?' roy asked.
'i do, roy! but i don't trust her - a girl who is evidently making moves on you over the last few days,' i burst out.
'it means nothing, kim is just being silly,' he defended her.
'whatever you say,' i shrugged my shoulders. 'but still it's not so nice to look at, i'm sorry.'
'you never showed it's hard for you to handle,' roy said with a wince. 'why don't you tell me to stop then?'
'cause i want you to know you wanna be with me not cause i never let go of you but cause that's exactly what you want, regardless of girls around you. i want it to be your decision entirely, without any interference from me.'
'you are my little russian weirdo,' he smiled. 'very little and very naive.'
'naive?' i repeated.
'oh, absolutely,' roy nodded. 'if you don't see that there are no more decisions to make.'

he cancelled their meeting today to have an italian lunch with me instead.

@темы: the US

---

hi

surprisingly, the feeling doesn't change.
even when i'm laughing, when i seem to be okay.
it's completely the same.
and this quote about a part of you being ripped apart is not an overstatement.
it's true.
and your favorite football team is a champion.
even from there you do your best to cheer us up.
ilya, you're inimitable
and you'll live forever.
that's something i'm absolutely positive about.
but why would i tell you that?
you always know better.
hey, my dear friend! hey

@темы: the US

---

dearest

and the one thing i wanna do above all the rest is to hug my dearest ones and hold them all as close to me as possible.
to hear them breathing in so many different ways. thus stop worrying about them
misleaded by the silly illusion that nothing can happen if i hold them tight.
hold them closer.
and never let them go anywhere.

@темы: the US

---

spirit

maybe i had a presentiment.
i talked to ilya the day before he died.
he was laughing and making jokes but then felt bad.
'what's wrong with you, my friend?' i asked.
'i don't know,' he had it straight.
and i didn't say 'it's gonna be okay' like i usually would. i didn't.
maybe i felt it would be a lie. and how could i lie.
i said nothing. just nothing.

it's overwhelming. it defeats me.
natasha sent one more video of ilya. laughing, smiling.
with pictures and letters included.
and i have the strangest feeling like he knew it all along. he knew more than any of us, so much more than he let it show.
cause almost every line of his letters has a message.
for us, his little young silly friends.
like he's winking between the lines and grins, 'hey, cheer up! look at me, follow my example.. well, okay, that would be too much for you, but at least try! come on, kids!'
with his spirit i really do believe he sees us and grumbles at us, his friends, behaving like that.

'i wanna do videos, print his pictures, do anything i can! but i don't wanna make it final, i don't wanna draw the line,' natasha said today.
'i think, there will never be a final line,' i said honestly.

i have a plane to atlanta to catch in three hours and i'm still home.
trying to stop my tears, watching videos and listening to 'out love never ends'.

@темы: the US

---

thanks

leroy is by my side.
he moved in with me after i came back from russia.
he didn't ask, neither did he make a big deal out of it.
he just stayed one night and never left afterwards.
he was listening to my stories about ilya, he was all ears.
and i needed to tell somebody so much. he listened to all of it, hours after hours.
i had to be strong to support people there in russia.
but i was a mess, a disaster here. and he was the one who had to endure and see me like that.
and he's been there for me. nevertheless. against all the odds and our complications and omissions in the past.
he bought me sleeping pills, once mentioned an idea to see a psychologist, but never insisted.
he helped me with studying, didn't let me give it all up.
at the same time he kept me busy with his business once he saw me doing nothing.
and every time i started crying while sleeping he held me so tight, cradled me in his arms.
and yesterday when that happened again kissed and snogged me.
so fervently like i'm all he has, like i'm the middle of his universe.
i could feel him tightening in response to my tears and i could feel my pain echoing in him.
his attempts to take more of my grief, absorb it by holding me closer was so much.
and this feeling was so overwhelming that all the rest fell into the shade.

he is much more than what i've ever expected him to be.

i'm going to a scientific conference this tue.
and then i hope i'll find a couple of days to run away somewhere.
no matter where.
to a place with no associations and thoughts.
at least for a couple of days.
to breathe.

@темы: the US

---

sleep

5.56 a.m.
i can't sleep. can't sleep. can't can't can't sleep.
it's been a week.
and i still can't sleep.
even with sleeping pills.
i'm lying in my bed and listening to ilya's playlist.
then i stand up and do what i have to do till next night.
then i lie down again, lie for a few hours, here comes the morning, i stand up and go to mit.
over and over again.
jarr is afraid i'm lacking awareness and i really do. i don't really pay attention to what's going on around me.
it all comes from so far away.
like i'm under the water and the world is on the surface.
i hardly hear them, and all what's hapening is like in a slow motion.
it's time to 'wake up'. and start studying.
but call his brother first. and sound cheerful.

@темы: the US